Internet

Five Destinations For the Internet After Elon Musk Destroys Twitter

Stephen Douglas
In this photo illustration, the Twitter logo is displayed on...
In this photo illustration, the Twitter logo is displayed on... / SOPA Images/GettyImages
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Elon Musk is trying to buy Twitter. Having already conquered the worlds of roofing shingles, guys dressed like robots, weird-looking trucks, and even weirder-looking baby names, Musk set his sights on Twitter, reportedly offering $41.4 billion for something he already gets to use for free.

Where do we go if Musk is successful and inevitably destroys Twitter?

The Local Convenience Store

Let's just stop there and chat whenever we're sick of driving around town. For the NYC readers, a convenience store is sort of a bodega where people aren't emotionally invested. Also, there's parking. And gas. And no cats. The point is you can gather there and drink fountain sodas or whatever. Best of all we can listen to Dexter Freebish and wonder what it would be like if we left.

The Food Court at the Mall

This is a close relative to the convenience store. But much less busy these days. In addition to sticking it to Elon Musk, we could just go to the mall and actually take some money out of Jeff Bezos' pockets. Assuming there are any storefronts remaining. Still, great place for a large number of small groups to hang out and complain about stuff.

AOL Chat Rooms

For geriatric millennials, this will be the homecoming of sorts. The return of profiles with crazy colors and fonts and music lyrics. If they've developed the technology to share TikTok videos over the last 20+ years then we should be alright.

Read a Book (And Shout at it)

The true purpose of the Internet, besides pornography, has always been the ability to put all of history's information at your fingers at all times. What better way to learn than to read a book? And what better way to recreate the experience of Twitter than to read something written by someone else, shake your head and yell "WRONG" as the person who wrote the original thing completely ignores you because that's not how books work?

Facebook

Hahahahahaha. Yeah right. The only thing worse than the anonymous people online are the ones you know from real life.

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