Kevin Warren Has Revolutionized NFL First Day of Work Porn


Kevin Warren is the new president and chief executive officer of the Chicago Bears. Today, Monday April 17th, was apparently his first day on the job despite the fact that they announced he had been named president and CEO on January 12th. What has he been doing for the last three months? Apparently, training his body for ridiculous NFL hours because the Bears official account posted this video showing him arriving at 5:47 a.m.

It was nice of him to finally show up for work 10 days before the NFL Draft. It was even nicer that the entire PR department also had to be there before the sun came up. You've got the person operating the phone, recording video of Warren walking from the parking lot to his office and you've got the person taking pictures with an old timey camera as if this is actually something worth documenting.

The trend of posting videos on social media of new coaches arriving at the office for their first day is as hilarious as it is ridiculous. Warren doing it before 6 a.m. is a performative twist on the cliché that football coaches are in the office before dawn. Anybody can show up for their first day of work. Only someone in the NFL can show up before the Peloton guy has started shoveling water into his mouth.

The Bears wanted us to see this. So let's take a closer look.

First of all, you've got a full parking lot. There are like 15 people in the office on a Monday in the offseason for what reason, it's unclear.

Warren doesn't walk straight to the door. Instead he takes a brief detour to admire the statue of George Halas for one second. Very natural. Must consider all the things accomplished so long ago that Super Bowls didn't even exist.

Warren says good morning to a few people and says, "We're going to have a great day," before he takes the stairs up to his office. That's right. The stairs. No elevators and no shortcuts. All hard work. That's clearly what he's trying to communicate by this choice. Either that or he doesn't know where the elevator is yet.

This is where most of these videos end. When the new hire has reached the lobby the camera turns off and the social media work begins. But not Kevin Warren. He invites the viewer to the inner sanctum. We watch him open his sliding office door for the first time and learn that the Bears have automatic lights, which means they are energy-conscious. Not to say they're light years ahead, but I heard the Packers still use light switches.

Finally, Warren gets to his desk. The journey has ended and another begins as he says, "Alright. Here we go." Then the video ends abruptly as they always do. The world will never be the same.