'Love Actually' Is Bad

By Stephen Douglas
"Love Actually" UK Premiere
"Love Actually" UK Premiere / Dave Hogan/Getty Images
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Love Actually is a movie that many people have seen, but have those people ever noticed that some of the people in Love Actually have been in other movies, too? It's something I was thinking about when I recently saw Love Actually for the first time this week.

No, no, no. It wasn't the first time I had ever seen Love Actually. Monday night was the first time I had watched Love Actually this week. I saw parts of it over the weekend and watched it in full earlier last week. I also saw it a few more times this month and a couple times in November. I had also watched it a similar number of times during previous holiday seasons. I have the incredibly sad receipts.

That's why I'm confident when I say that Love Actually is bad and loving Love Actually, like I actually do, is a sickness.

I am one of the infected. I am a walking Love Actually fan, which Andrew Lincoln, who is in Love Actually and The Walking Dead, might appreciate. We are zombies, which might be appreciated by Bill Nighy, who was in Shaun of the Dead. We are infected, like the people in Resident Evil, which featured Heike Makatsch.

Watching Love Actually, considering yourself a fan of the movie, is a sickness. Or maybe a cult. We've been brainwashed. Part of our brains know we shouldn't be there, watching this happen, but something has a hold of us and we can't think clearly.

The more times you watch Love Actually, the more you love it and actually hate it. The movie is completely made of plot holes and poorly drawn characters. Its popularity is frustrating and completely understandable. It's so bad it's good, but it also features so many things we all recognize. Every viewing is nostalgia in real time. Since it's in London and there are cell phones, it looks modern despite the fact that it's going on two decades old. This movie has been around so long that Kiera Knightly has doubled in age since she filmed her scenes.

Love Actually is a lot like The Hangover. An overall fine film that uses a big musical number towards the end to implant "THIS IS GOOD" in your head and you're never able to shake it. The Hangover did it with Flo Rida and Ke$ha's "Right Round" over the photos from the lost night. Love Actually does it with a incredibly good school talent show version of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You." The Hangover has you laughing incredibly hard the last minute you're watching so you think it must be the funniest movie ever. Love Actually hits you with the best Cthristmas pop song ever as a little boy thinks the girl of his dreams is falling in love with him. And here's a big comedic kiss with two very good-looking people and you think THIS IS A FEEL GOOD CHRISTMAS-Y LOVE STORY!

It's not. The truth is both movies are full of trash people doing trash things that make little to no sense. Love Actually just has the common sense to cover it up with British accents and very attractive people. Everything is problematic as everyone claiming to watch it for the first time over the last few years immediately points out.

Did you know the little kid ended up on Game of Thrones!? There's a ton of wild stuff like that. Like the wedding DJ who wore the Motorhead t-shirt who turned out to be a comedian you've never heard of. Do you realize how damn basic you sound when you point out that someone from Love Actually was in something else? It's worse than when someone does it with Home Alone.

That's all I really have to say about Love Actually without getting into it. Everyone has pointed out everything and everyone has seen it and if they haven't we'll be able to read about it when they do.

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