Joe Biden Reports His Dog Has an 85 Percent Approval Rating
By Kyle Koster
President Joe Biden sat for an interview with ABC News' George Stephanopoulos yesterday, just as news broke that our long national nightmare of not having a solo press conference would be ending some time next week. Among the final subjects: the Bidens' dog Major, who previously was confirmed to be very much alive by White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki after some dark speculation.
GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS: One final question. Is Major out of the doghouse?
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN: Yeah -- the answer's yes. Look, Major was a rescue pup. Major did not bite someone and penetrate the skin. What happens is for-- I guess what surprised me is the White House itself, living there. Every door you turn to, there's a guy there in a black jacket.
And so you're walkin' and we got -- and -- the dog's being trained now -- our trainer at home in Delaware -- and he was going home. I didn't banish him to home. Jill was gonna be away for four days. I was gonna be away for two, so we took him home.
And, you know, we have a dogsitter there -- a friend who takes him. And -- but you turn a corner and there's -- there's two people I don't know at all. And, you know, and they move -- and he moves to protect. But he is -- he's a sweet dog.
85 percent of the people there love him. He just -- all he does is lick them and wag his tail. But he does -- you know, it -- I realize some people, understandably, are afraid of dogs to begin with. And -- I just think that-- anyway, we're -- in the process of having a training session.
An 85 percent approval rating is likely unattainable for a human president considering our fractured times. But 85 percent for a dog is kind of ... bad? And I say that knowing full well that my own personal canine likely clocks in somewhere in the low-70s. It happens. Not everyone can have a great dog.
One of the greatest lies the internet every told is that all doggos are good. We need a bargain-basement version of Daniel Dale to be fact-checking all these claims.
This Major story got me thinking: what is the funniest approval figure for a dog? Eighty-five is pretty funny. It's not 90 or 80 and oddly specific without trying to be specific. It's certainly funnier than anything lower than 50, except like three percent or something anemic because that would almost make you want to meet that dog. Mid-forties is pretty funny, and so too is anything between 53-59.
I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with the information that a stranger is equally likely to enjoy Major Biden's presence as Jamal Murray is to sink any given free-throw but life would be emptier without it.