In the Future, Everything Will Be About Rick Moranis

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A week ago at this time we were just coming to grips with the shocking and disturbing news that beloved actor Rick Moranis had been attacked while on an early-morning walk. It was truly awful and hope remains that justice will be served in the form of zapping the assailant with that shrinking ray gun and forcing him or her to serve time in a tiny jail. Somehow we've moved on, though Moranis is never far from our minds: same as always since about 1984.

Want evidence of just how deeply Moranis' misfortune has impacted us? We're now relating all space to the place he was punched. At least if this New York Post's headline is any indication.

"Elisabeth Moss moving to UWS near site of Rick Moranis assault."

That sound you hear is a confident Bill Maher declaring a New Rule that all locations in New York City should be described only as they relate to the Moranis site. If something is in SoHo, tell me it's 90 blocks from Moranis. Up in Hell's Kitchen? Well, that's a mere 40 blocks. If the Yankees are ever allowed to play postseason games up in the Bronx, they could win a World Series just five miles from Moranis.

That's where we start. We'll slowly incorporate the other boroughs and suburban areas. By spring we'll have those up on Rockland County and over in Islip measuring their commute times in Moranises. This time next year we'll all be converting dollars into Moranises in our supermarket checkout lines. Three years from now, all history books will be rewritten to document how every human event led up to the Moranis. In ten years, Moranis will be the only thing that exists, We'll live virtually, through singularity, in a reality that allows us to become Moranis and Moranis constantly.

This is the future I want to experience. In complete unison with Moranis all its forms.