How To: Spend Your Mega Millions Jackpot Winnings

Mega Millions reaches $1B
Mega Millions reaches $1B / Anadolu Agency/GettyImages

The Mega Millions jackpot has again hit the $1 billion mark. This is the point in the lottery cycle where people who don't normally play start buying tickets because that's real, life-changing money. What does it say about Americans that a shot at a few hundred million just isn't worth getting out of bed? A lot probably, which is why the general public only really cares about the lottery when there are record numbers involved.

If someone does win tonight, it will be the third-highest jackpot ever awarded. If not, the record is in reach. Either way, the next person to win it all is going to have some serious cash and some serious choices to make about how to spend it. Because of taxes (Thanks a lot, Biden!), whoever wins tonight will have to just shy of $700 million.

What to do with your Mega Millions Jackpot Winnings

Buy a Sports Team

So if you had your eyes on a certain NFL or NBA team, forget about it unless you make some rich friends really quickly. Heck, even Major League Baseball is out of the question. Would you be amenable to the NHL? You could probably get your hands on the Arizona Coyotes, Florida Panthers, Columbus Blue Jackets, Buffalo Sabres, Ottawa Senators, Carolina Hurricanes or Winnipeg Jets. Or you could buy a soccer team in England's National League and start a rivalry with Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney, which honestly sounds like the most fun thing you could do.

Save the Choco Tacos

Klondike recently announced they would no longer be producing Choco Tacos. People were very upset. They never cost that much at the store, but now that they've been discontinued you're unlikely to find them anywhere besides the resale market. And why wouldn't you want to buy used ice cream? Anyway, with a half-billion you can probably buy Klondike. You can re-launch the Choco Taco. You can be the hero of millions. You can be the first good rich person!


Probably the best possible investment you can make right now. No notes.

Offer Draymond Green a Max Contract

So you can't buy a basketball. Big whoop. You can still offer Draymond Green a max contract. Sure, you have no use for his excellent passing and solid defense, but you could start a podcast network and you'd be dumb not to sign someone from the New Media. Of course, if Draymond was making $130 million over four years to podcast and didn't have to play basketball he'd just be another guy with a podcast. Nothing new about that.

Buy a Gorgosaurus

It's like a T-Rex, but smaller and it just sold at auction for $6 million. You're going to buy a new house, just make sure to attain the rare dinosaur skeleton first so you know it will fit. There is nothing worse than signing a lease to a new apartment before you realize that your couch won't fit through the foyer. Dino skeleton is the rich person's old couch.

Start a Podcast

If you really want to put your money to work. If you really want to invest in something worthwhile. If you really want to make a difference... just buy yourself a whole-ass recording studio and start a podcast. I've embedded an example of a podcast below. See how easy it is? You do not need any expertise, just a willingness to talk about whatever enters your head. It is just that simple!

Fight Climate Change

Update: More people will appreciate you for bringing back the Choco Taco, but you'll probably save more lives by doing whatever you can to fight climate change. That would also help eliminate awkward morning show transitions like this one discussing Mega Millions on TODAY.

Now back to that podcast idea...