America Needs a 'Sharknado' Now More Than Ever

The stars of Sharknado.
The stars of Sharknado. / Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images

There was a time seven summers ago where the biggest problem facing America was a series of weather events wherein waterspouts picked up sharks and dropped them in crowded urban areas. As opposed to our current predicament, Ian Ziering was able to get us out of that pickle in under two hours on multiple occasions. America needs a win like that this summer. America needs another Sharknado.

To say it was a simpler time would be an understatement. The Internet's biggest event of the summer was a ridiculous SyFy movie starring Tara Reid and it was an incredible success. Even without adjusting for inflation, Sharknado made $200,000 at the box office in one midnight showing. That's a number so impressive that it would have made it the No. 1 movie in America last weekend.

I think I want to watch that again right now. Sharknado ended up "inspiring" five sequels, which means it rivals the Fast & Furious movies as the most enduring cinematic franchise of the 21st century. Sharknado 2 got Citi Field and Sharknado 3 got Mark Cuban involved.

These movies were pure trash, but man, do I miss "caring" about something like this. The kind of thing where a good fraction of Twitter could take the night to ignore a full slate of Major League Baseball games and really, that's all that was going on in the summer of 2013. If Sharknado had come out this summer, it would have been the biggest movie event of the year. Look how content-starved we were when we obsessed over Michael Jordan propaganda a few months ago.

America needs a new Sharknado. When this whole pandemic is over we should get together and make one and it should involve everyone from Tiger King, 90210 and every other C and D-list celebrity available. We will know that nature is healing when the Sharknados return to basic cable.