You Can Buy an Asparagus Rug at David Ortiz's Estate Sale on Saturday

David Ortiz is having an estate sale
David Ortiz is having an estate sale / Billie Weiss/Boston Red Sox/Getty Images

David Ortiz has remained understandably out of the public eye in the months since he was in the hospital last summer after getting shot in the Dominican Republic. Ortiz is now having an estate sale this coming Saturday and listed photos of all the items he's planning on offloading at his home in Weston. Since it's an estate sale, that means literally everything in there.

There's lots of run-of-the-mill house decor within the listing, but there are a handful of fun and interesting items hidden in there. Since you are a busy person, I have gone through and found the most intriguing/odd items for sale from the Ortiz family. You're welcome. These include, but are not limited to, the following (links included for the weird ones):

- A barrel that doubles as both a table and a cupboard
- Big Papi-branded bottles of Coca-Cola
- A wooden American Flag clock with only the numbers 6 and 12
- An asparagus rug!
- A personalized David Ortiz hoverboard
- A Boston Strong sign made of various license plates
- Pedro slides (fire, but the first thing that jumps out is PED)
- A signed oversized check to the Massachusetts General Hospital for Children (an immediate purchase if you want to emulate Happy Gilmore on the way home)
- A miniature Pedro Martinez Hall of Fame plaque
- A New Balance David Ortiz footlocker that comes with sneakers, Aviators, and what appears to be noise-cancelling headphones of military quality
- A Rolls Royce neon sign
- A small stepladder
- Autographed All-Star baseball caps (autographed by whom? Your guess is as good as mine.)
- A still-in-the-box wedding figurine
- A David Ortiz jumpsuit, complete with overalls
- A Dolce & Gabbana suit that is probably too big for you
- A Green Monster board
- A bronze sculpture of a frog strumming a guitar
- A lifetime composter
- Pig dishes
- A Waterford crystal Home Run Derby bowl
- "Nautical Decor"
- 2005 All-Star Game cleats
- Signed Rick Porcello Cy Young wine bottle
- "This is our f---ing city" series of pictures
- Adam Vinateri autographed football
- Belt with Spider-Man buckle
- Light-up vodka chiller
- Wine-themed fountain
- Red Sox toaster

Oh, to be obscenely wealthy.

Personally, I'd love a wine-themed fountain to pair with my gigantic check for a children's hospital and Spider-Man belt buckle. Alas, I'll have to save that for when I win the lottery.