Why I Love to Hate Chris Paul

Quick, off the top of your head – name your Top 5 villains you’d love nothing more than to crow-hop into and slap in the face as hard as you can.

For me:

• The Green Knight from ‘Medieval Times’
• Shane McMahon
• Corporal Uphum from ‘Saving Private Ryan’
• King Joffrey Baratheon
• Chris Paul

My relationship with the artist notoriously known as “CP3” is complicated.

I don’t hate Chris Paul, I love to hate Chris Paul.

Every time he flops …

… I want to tomahawk my television through the window.

Yet, he is so damn good at basketball, I can’t help but melt into a pile of goo whenever he does “Point God” things such as …

The game against the Trail Blazers this past Wednesday night, for example, is Chris Paul in a nutshell. In a mere 24 hours, CP3 went from being a viral meme, after being crossed into oblivion by Stephen Curry on national television …

… to dropping 41 PTS/17 AST/5 REB/4 STL against a Trail Blazers team that the Clippers are battling for the 4th seed in the Western Conference + home court advantage in the first round.

If this isn’t the best “I was the laughing stock of the internet” turnaround in pro sports history, I don’t know what is.

Of course, like anything involving the Chris Paul-era Clippers, the win didn’t come without a little bit of controversy.

In the third quarter, we saw Chris Kaman shove Chris Paul in the back for what – at the time – appeared to be no reason at all.

Well, wouldn’t you have guessed it – but, Señor Crotch Puncher…

…was at it again.

It may have been intentional, or not, but when it comes to Chris Paul, where there’s smoke, there’s usually fire. The same goes for the entire Clipper team.

Example A: Flopping.

Example B: Instigating

Example C: Whining

The point I’m trying to make here is that the Clippers don’t help themselves. I get that every player and coach complains/flops/bitches to some extent, but, no one … and I mean NO ONE … has their complaints/flopping/bitching documented quite like the Clippers. PAGES of YouTube compilations are dedicated to Clipper tediousness:

Ultimately, my hypothesis about why no one likes these guys is simple: For some reason, they won’t fully-embrace the ‘villain’ — or for my fellow wrestling fans out there — ‘heel’ mentality.

It’s a new breed of trolling … and you know what? I love it.

The Clippers have SUCH an opportunity to be the ‘Bad Boy’ Pistons…

the ‘Thugball’ Knicks…

or, the Portland ‘Jail Blazers’…

… of the modern-day NBA. They have DeAndre Jordan – DEANDRE JORDAN – standing 7-foot, a chiseled 265-pounds of pure muscle, he is one of the most intimidating physical specimens on Earth.

But, they aren’t

Thus, I am ALL-IN on knighting the 2014-2015 Los Angeles Clippers as the King of Trolls.

The emperor of the kingdom: Chris Paul.

We have a pretty good idea now of what the Clippers are, but what is Chris Paul?

Chris Paul is the Opera.

I hate the Opera … like, REALLY hate the Opera. I don’t care who’s performing, what the plot is, or who’s directing it — I could not find a worse way to spend my free time.

It bores me to death.

BUT, the opera is beautiful. Just because it is something not to my liking, doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it for what it is. Chris Paul, while being the Phantom of said NBA Opera, is having the solo/lead performance of his lifetime.

Translation: We don’t talk enough about CP3 single-handily carrying one of the worst top-to-bottom rosters in the NBA to a top 4 seed in the Western Conference.

His 6.3 VORP (Value of Replacement Player) thus far is only behind:

• James Harden (7.2)
• Stephen Curry (7.1)
• Russell Westbrook (6.7)

Meaning: He’s statistically the fourth most irreplaceable player in the league, and the Clippers more than likely would not win anything, let alone make the playoffs, without him.

I know what you’re thinking: “Wob, they have BLAKE GRIFFIN! They have DEANDRE JORDAN! Matt Barnes and JJ Redick are legitimate wingmen!”

SOURCES: You’re not wrong.

What you’re looking at here are eye-popping advanced NBA metrics.

WS/48 represents ‘Win Shares per 48 minutes”, which is an estimate of the number of wins contributed by a player per 48 minutes. The league average is ~1.00.

The Columns defining BPM are a box score estimate of the offensive/defensive/total points per 100 possessions the said player contributes above a league-average player, translated to an average team.

VORP, as alluded to above, is a box score estimate of the points per 100 team possessions that a player contributed above a REPLACEMENT player, translated to an average team.

Long story short: The Clipper starting 5 is REALLY good on paper and plays REALLY well together.

The Bad News: This is not NBA 2K15 where you can just press pause, click settings, and select “Turn Off Fatigue/Injuries.” The Clippers have bench players who get significant play time, and they really … REALLY stink. I’m talking poo after you just ate $20 worth of Taco Bell stink.

My Column:

Just how much work does CP3 have to do to keep this team afloat?

His backup, Austin Rivers, who ESPN once considered to have the worst season in NBA History — is currently 8^th on the team in total minutes played. Oh, p.s. he wasn’t a Clipper until friggin’ JANUARY 15^th.

Don’t believe me yet?

While Paul’s 19.2 points per game may not be as impressive as some of the league’s other MVP contenders, he is arguably the best offensive player in the NBA – due to his unfathomable ability to get his teammates to produce.

To elaborate, CP3 currently:

• Leads the NBA in assists (10.2 average per game)
• Is the point guard and highest usage player of the NBA’s most efficient offense, in re: Offensive Rating (112.4)
• Has recorded the most points created off of assists, during the 2014-2015 season, 1801.
• And if you combine his points created off of assists with his total points for the season, Paul has contributed 3,262 total points for the Clippers this year, which is ~150 more than MVP favorite Stephen Curry.

With all of this said: Can you blame CP3 for doing all of the infuriating things he does?

This team, outside of the starting five, is historically abysmal – and who knows what the “awesome” starting five would look like, if they didn’t have this guy as their floor general.

What I’m trying to say here is: I get Chris Paul.

I may not enjoy him, but, I respect the hell out of him for what he is. He is a killer. He will kick, scream, scratch, yell, flop, bitch, moan, poop in the refrigerator, WHATEVER IT TAKES — to get a W.

Is he going to win MVP this season? No.

Should he at least be in the conversation? Yes.

And the fact that he isn’t is a true testament to the impact the ‘likability’ narrative has on the game of professional basketball. The same way a sex scandal would hurt a political candidate during a campaign, “flopping” and “dirty play” have become the NBA equivalent.

Before I started writing this, I wanted (and have always wanted) Chris Paul to be the model citizen of NBA superstars – like Stephen Curry. The lovable, smooth, “plays the game the right way” Steph Curry.

I’m officially done with that. Chris Paul is Chris Paul. He is a pestering, whining, dirty perennial superstar — who is, has been, and will be for the foreseeable future arguably the best basketball player on Earth.

There is nothing you can do to change it, so, I’m here today to implore you: Please don’t hate Chris Paul. Love to hate Chris Paul.