Whatever the Monolith Is, We All Hate It

Kyle Koster
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Eagle-eyed officers from the Utah Department of Public Safety spotted a mysterious metal monolith while peeping sheep two weeks ago. It was a whole big thing because an unexplained object like this showing up without explanation in the Red Rocks is something out of several Steven Spielberg films mashed together. No one knows what it is or how it got there. Just that we should care because it obviously meant ... well ... something.

Then it vanished as surreptitiously as it arrived. Only for a similar object to be discovered on a vista in the Romanian city of Piatra Neamt, leading local leaders to crack wise.

"Andrei Carabelea, mayor of Piatra Neamt, appears to be taking the news in stride. "There is no reason to panic for those who think there is still life in the universe," Carabelea quipped, according to a translation by The Independent. The statement was posted to Facebook after the discovery surfaced Friday. "My guess is that some alien, cheeky and terrible teenagers left home with their parents' UFO and started planting metal monoliths around the world. First in Utah and then at Piatra Neamt," he added. "I am honored that they chose our city.""

This should be fun. We should be on the edge of our seats. A few generations ago, everyone would have bought into this madness hook, line, and sinker. But no longer. We've been burned by viral marketing too many dozens of times before to even care. And rest assured, that's what this is.

When the team accounts get involved, the notion that it's truly something dangerous or provocative evaporates.

It is possible that the monolith is some brilliant guerrilla art. If so, it's spawned this blog post, which will surely be a fascinating look at someone not letting others just enjoy things regardless of the motivation. But more likely than not we're about to learn this is for PlayStation or Peloton or Life cereal or something else both instantly gratifying and unabashedly capitalistic.

So, yeah. I asked around and everyone here hates the monolith. In fact, the only way the monolith can win us over is to go the Independence Day route and blow us all up. At least that would be something we could respect. There's no great way to go out but trash-talking a non-sentient object before it becomes sentient and explodes the world is as good as it gets.

Prove you're not a commercial and lay waste to us, monolith. Doubt you have the courage. Though, Randy Quaid flying into the subsequent spaceship would probably part of the government response at this point.

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