Last night on Monday Night Football, Booger McFarland made waves by saying the Ravens are The Wire of the NFL, which was wrong. So I decided to explain which television show matches best with each of the 32 NFL teams.
Baltimore Ravens -- Barry
As I said last night, I'm fine with The Wire being called "great," as long as it's not called the "greatest." Not that the Ravens and the fifth-best show ever don't share similarities; they are both based on Baltimore, after all. But this Ravens team is flashy, innovative, must-see, and a little bit ridiculous. Much like HBO's Barry. The dark comedy series has a touch of Breaking Bad in its writing, in the same way Lamar Jackson has a touch of Michael Vick.
Miami Dolphins -- Dr. Ken
The Dolphins are so hopeless they couldn't even make the season interesting by placing their bid to be the worst NFL team of all time. Much like Dr. Ken. ABC tried creating some magic with The Hangover star Ken Jeong, but they couldn't. The comedy show absent of comedy only lasted two seasons, which was one season too long. Hopefully, this iteration of the Dolphins doesn't make the same mistake.
New England Patriots -- The Sopranos
Tom Brady and Bill Belichick can duke it out for the right to be Tony Soprano, though Junior is not a bad idea either. The Patriots are great every year. They may have some less than historically great seasons (season 5), some of the supporting cast can be annoying (A.J., Meadow), they aren't always likable (Tony), but in the end, they are always in the discussion amongst the best. Oh, and if Antonio Brown was still on the team, he would have been Richie Aprile.
Detroit Lions -- Dads
The 2019 Lions had some hype heading into the season but quickly failed at showing they deserved it. And it's getting worse. Some thought FOX could have something with the show Dads. However, they didn't. It didn't take long to realize it was just another bad show not worthy of being talked about, ever.
Green Bay Packers -- The Simpsons
The Packers are always worth watching and Aaron Rodgers remains one of the best football players to spend a Sunday watching. Homer Simpson may not be the best character ever, or even the best now, but not many have been or are better. He's consistently great and both Rodgers and Homer are on FOX at least 35 percent of the time I have the channel on.
Dallas Cowboys -- Keeping Up with the Kardashians
This is obvious, right? Regardless of the quality, we all know the truth-- you are watching and tweeting about these two.
Seattle Seahawks -- The Wire
The Seahawks right now are the fifth-best team in the NFL. So, naturally, they are The Wire. Russell Wilson is as exciting as the best guy out there like Omar. And he is surrounded by a lot of overrated people like Omar was. To name some: Jadeveon Clowney, Jimmy McNulty, Tyler Lockett, Marlo Stanfield, and Clay Davis. Not sure yet how Stringer fits in here. But is works.
Denver Broncos -- The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien
The Broncos have a prolific history at the quarterback position but since Peyton Manning retired, it's been an utter disaster. Much like when Conan O'Brien took over the legendary Tonight Show. It didn't go well, it didn't work, thus it didn't last. Pretty much was is going on in Denver right now.
Pittsburgh Steelers -- Succession
Personality-wise, Logan Roy and Ben Roethlisberger aren't the same. But they are in the same position. It's clear both are past their primes and a change is ideal. Mason Rudolph isn't good enough, Kendall can't be trusted, Roman isn't the answer, Devlin Hodges is meh, and Shiv's ability to lead is still in question. Old isn't always bad.
Kansas City Chiefs -- Game of Thrones
The Chiefs not only have some of the most complex characters, they are also mysterious. Patrick Mahomes is as great as Jon Snow, but just how great is the question. Andy Reid winning a Super Bowl is as unknown as if Daenerys was ever going to make it to Westeros. Tyreek Hill's speed is as much of a weapon as Arya changing faces. I guess Mahomes' arm is a dragon, too.
Washington Redskins -- No television show
Sure, they beat the Lions. But for all the bad television there has been, and I've watched a lot of it, the main characters are usually solid. There is no star of the Redskins. They are more of a miniseries, at this point.
Cleveland Browns -- True Detective, Season 2
The Browns were the most talked-about team heading into the season and disappointed by halftime of the first game. Much like the second season of True Detective, the season can only be summed up as a dud. Baker Mayfield is struggling like he was a Christmas movie star put in position to replace Matthew McConaughey.
San Francisco 49ers -- Mad Men
If I could be any football player in the world, it would be Jimmy Garoppolo (Maybe, Dianna Russini's mom played in a part in that). When it comes to television characters, it's Don Draper. Garoppolo and Draper are so cool, it basically destroys the ego of every other guy in the bar. The 49ers are clearly one of the best football teams. Mad Men is, and always will have a case to be the best television show. But, again, this isn't about being good, it's all about walking into a room.
Cincinnati Bengals -- Game of Thrones prequel that got canned
It took only one preview episode for HBO to say no to the Game of Thrones prequel about the North. It took just one game for me to come to the conclusion that I won't watch another single Bengals game this season. Nevertheless, this prequel that never was is sitting at the same amount of aired episodes as the Bengals have wins.
Los Angeles Rams -- Family Guy
The Rams just got crushed, embarrassed, demoralized, and punked by the Ravens. But this is still a talented team. They've just peaked. As has Family Guy. Some of the past episodes still catch my eye and omit my plans for the next 30 minutes from my schedule. But the current version, ehh. I can go without it.
New Orleans Saints -- The Leftovers
The Leftovers is the greatest television show ever created. It's not even close, as I have explained. The Saints are the NFL's best team. Kevin Garvey may not be as good as his job as Drew Brees is at his, but let me know when Brees ever faces a defense half as skilled and cerebral as The Guilty Remnant was.
Philadelphia Eagles -- Local news
Like the local news most nights, the Eagles are not very good or very interesting, but we keep on watching. Despite playing awful on the field, Carson Wentz has the look of a great quarterback. Just like how your local news anchor struggles with delivery but looks like Ron Burgundy. Hard to turn away.
Minnesota Vikings -- Watchmen
Let's be honest, nobody knows the Vikings because they are 8-3, it's all about the lyrics in Lizzo's song. Anyway, the Vikings have strong believers but not everyone is all in. HBO's Watchmen has some saying it's the best show of the year. Others find it boring and underwhelming. It's not for everyone, nor is the roller coaster that is Kirk Cousins leading a team.
Buffalo Bills -- Two and a Half Men
Two and a Half Men is my favorite sitcom. I continue to be bothered by the lack of praise it gets from so-called television experts. The show is criminally underrated like the Bills are. The Bills just keep on winning ... and winning ... and winning. If you don't get that, you we've already lost you.
Houston Texans -- SpongeBob SquarePants
It's too hard to figure the Texans out. They go from looking like they belong in the AFC Championship Game to not deserving of a Wild Card. But they are always a joy to watch. Much like the famous sponge. We will never forget the play Deshaun Watson got kicked in the face, and nobody will ever forget the time SpongeBob had a camp fire. Mr. Krabs and Bill O'Brien would get along, too.
Los Angeles Chargers -- Dirty Dozen: The Series
The Chargers don't have any fans in Los Angeles. They are Dirty Dozen: The Series. Have you ever heard of it? No, because it didn't have any fans, either.
New York Jets -- His Dark Materials
The Jets are not there yet but they are coming. His Dark Materials is HBO's newest fantasy drama. The plot is filled with holes but the characters and direction are encouraging. There will never be another Game of Thrones, though polar bears are not that far behind dragons. By this time next year, the Jets and HDM will be in the discussion as preeminent presences in their industries.
Tennessee Titans -- The King of Queens
If are looking for an example of average in 2019, look no further. The 6-5 Titans are the most average thing on television since The King of Queens. It was so okay, that you could watch a marathon of the sitcom and not be moved nor bored for a full eight hours.
Jacksonville Jaguars -- My Name is Earl
Even if he doesn't start, the Jaguars employ the man with the best mustache in the NFL. I must say, I haven't seen one that impressive since Earl Hickey. Who would mesh well with the one and only Gardner Minshew.
Atlanta Falcons -- Lost
This has less to do about the 2019 Falcons, but instead about the franchise's reputation. Which is blowing a 28-3 lead in the Super Bowl. The team and city will never recover from that ending. Neither will the fans of Lost or anyone who has to hear about it nearly a decade later.
Chicago Bears -- Breaking Bad
As much as it pains me to type this, I have to. The Bears without Mitch Trubisky are Super Bowl contenders. Breaking Bad absent of Skyler White -- worst character ever -- is, well, even greater. One thing is certain, Skyler and Mitch will ruin your night.
Carolina Panthers -- Westworld
Both the Panthers and Westworld have several key elements going for them. But they both lack the it factor. The Panthers have no answer at the quarterback position, and Westworld is yet to give us reason to immerse ourselves in the story. Though, Christian McCaffery and that lab in Westworld beat 80 percent of what else airs on Sundays.
Oakland Raiders -- Big Little Lies
Oakland is way better than they should be. It doesn't add up how they have been this competitive and fun to watch. Same goes for Big Little Lies. Nothing is great about it, but who is turning away? See what I mean?
Indianapolis Colts -- American Pickers
The Colts are a good football team. What they are doing is not easy after Andrew Luck's shocking retirement before the season. Yet they are so boring. If you plan on watching them, have some music in the background. It's true, the team is American Pickers-level yawn.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers -- Saint George
George Lopez had another television show where he went by George. It didn't last long, though. After far too many mistakes in casting and writing, the show was canceled. The level of mistakes the show made was on par with how many Jameis Winston makes in a month.
Arizona Cardinals -- Euphoria
Both parties here have potential. Arizona could be a playoff team in a year. Euphoria's second season has a chance to be a must-see. They both lack in consistency and direction, however. You don't know what you're going to get week-to-week, but sometimes, that's where the fun is.
New York Giants -- Power
That big city feel. Both have it, both look cool, both can be fun, and that is about it. Neither are very good, or worth spending serious time on. Good football and storytelling are not found here. Even if Ghost is kind of awesome. Saquon Barkley is too, of course.