We're all busy these days but it's important to never lose focus of what's really important at this particular time and place: Sports team names and their relative toughness. A lot of franchises are doing just great. You hear what they're called and it makes you do a Tim Taylor More Power grunt. Others? Well, they are disgraces.
Here's a collection of professional sports franchises who should reconsider the message they are sending.
Toronto Blue Jays, St. Louis Cardinals, Baltimore Orioles, Arizona Cardinals: Oh, what a bunch of pretty birdies! They're all so harmless you literally put food in your yard to attract them. You ever see any of these birds flying majestically over the ocean holding a shark in its feet? That's right. These weakass birds have feet because their toes aren't worthy of being called talons.
San Diego Padres: Take a long, hard look at the Swinging Friar. A case of Low-T if there ever was one.
Cleveland Browns: Nothing worse than a team name that forces a person to do research as to its origins. There is nothing tough or manly about cracking a book. Jocks rule.
Miami Dolphins: Absolute beta move to allow a bunch of tuna fisherman to ensnare you in a net. And a blowhole? That's a loser's design.
Buffalo Bills: Who is afraid of a bunch of guys named Bill?
Tampa Bay Rays: Ray only slightly more intimidating.
Indiana Pacers: Oh no! Don't go too fast! Slow down!
Utah Jazz: Can't even play the notes on the page, have to fall back to the safe space of what's in their heads and hearts.
St. Louis Blues: Oh, you're sad? You've got the blues. It's the music you play with the tiniest instrument.
New Orleans Pelicans: What if a big dumb bird was too big for your backyard? You'd send it to the ocean to eat fish and deliver babies. Oh, that's a stork? What's the difference? Stupid twig legs. Might as well be a flamingo, too.
Los Angeles Angels: Dead people who are too weak to stay in heaven or pull off a good haunting. Teacher says every time a bell rings this team has a dumb name.
San Francisco 49ers: What's scary about a bunch of guys who died like a hundred years ago trying to find pretty rocks in the mountains?
Toronto Maple Leafs: Literally the softest part of a tree. Every year leaves (leafs) die and fall off trees and float softly to the ground where they rot. If they're lucky someone comes along, collects all their depressing leafy carcasses, and incinerates them.
Los Angeles Dodgers: What are they dodging? The draft during the 20th century? With bone spurs? Can you imagine something weaker?
Philadelphia Flyers: Cut your hair. Stop putting things on pieces of paper advertising your band's next gig. The economy has never been better.
Green Bay Packers: This team was named after a moving company and is the only team name that might have some muscle. That's if you look at the origin of the team name. If you don't, it's just a little kid throwing some play clothes in a Dora the Explorer backpack for a night at Grandma's.
Montreal Canadiens: Universal health care. What's there to be scared of? They're even afraid of spellcheck.
Los Angeles Chargers: Socialism for the low-energy.
Brooklyn Nets: A rare team named after a piece of equipment from the team's sport. Full of holes. If they had called them the Rims of Basket Supports at least you'd at least have something solid.
Chicago White Sox: You know that bad Christmas gift your aunt got you when you were a young trope in a holiday commercial? Well, we named a team after those things.
San Antonio Spurs: I'm old enough to remember when cowboys could compel their horses to do what they wanted just by gravitas and confidence.
Ottawa Senators: Drain the swamp!