Retired quarterback Peyton Manning was on the dais Monday night for The Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe. If you have any familiarity whatsoever with roasts, you know that Manning and everyone else on the dais spent the night taking the most savage beatdowns anybody could think of.
These putdowns tend to stick to a few themes, the handful of things about a given person they can be most devastatingly burned for. As concerns the Comedy Central Roast of Rob Lowe, these are the six funniest things about Peyton Manning:
1) The Size of His Head
"A super bowl is also what Peyton’s mom had to cut his hair with as a child."
"Peyton Manning is a two-time Super Bowl champion and a certain Hall of Famer, but it didn’t give him a big head. That came from years of inbreeding."
"He may be the only person up here who’s been given more head than Rob Lowe."
2) That His Dad and Brother Are Also Great Quarterbacks
"Obviously I don’t know much about American football, but I’m told Peyton is among the best three quarterbacks in his family."
"Peyton Manning is here, because Eli is still out there making his dad proud."
3) That So Many of His NFL Peers are Dirtbags
"Peyton had a long and prestigious career in the NFL. He played with some of the all-time greatest rapists, murderers and wife beaters. Come on, the only people who get more concussions than NFL players are their wives."
4) That He is Dumb
"Peyton wrote a children’s book. It wasn’t meant to be a children’s book but he did the best he could."
"Some people say Tom Brady is the best. But you know what? I say you’re the best, dude. You took two different teams to the promised land and you did it all with one missing chromosome."
5) That He Probably Got a Lot of Concussions
"You guys, Peyton Manning is here. Physically."
"Peyton Manning is here. That’s not for you guys, that’s for him. Peyton, you’re here right now. You’ve had a lot of concussions. You’re here. Don’t murder your wife."
6) That Tom Brady Is Better
"I don’t know much about football but I love Peyton in commercials. You’re so good at them, like legitimately. I’d say you’re the greatest of all time. I’d say, like, you’re like the Tom Brady of being in commercials. You know? Like, the greatest."
Manning, of course, had his chance to punch back.
Manning On Pete Davidson:
"I just met this guy Pete Davidson backstage before the show. Great guy. He asked to take a picture with me and I didn’t even realize he was one of the comedians. I told him, “Don’t give up kid, whatever disease you have, you can beat it.”"
Manning on Ann Coulter:
"Wow, I just realized I’m not the only athlete up here tonight. As you all know, earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby."
Manning on David Spade:
"As we all know, I followed in my father’s footsteps, but David, you forged a path on your own. I know you wanted to follow in your father’s footsteps, but he snuck out of the house so carefully he didn’t leave any tracks."
Manning’s last bit concerned the time noted Colts fan Rob Lowe “broke” the news of Manning’s retirement, five years before it actually happened. Manning scolded Lowe for doing that, which set up his big finish:
"Let’s say we put this whole thing behind us. I wish you well. I sincerely hope you can break this 20-year losing streak you’ve been on. But hey, I don’t worry about Rob Lowe. He is a workhorse. And heck man, if they ever stop casting you in sitcoms, just look on the bright side. You tried to take the air out of my retirement announcement so fast, you can probably get a job as Tom Brady’s ball boy."
And a good time was had by all.