The 5 Most Hilariously Awful 2016 Republican Primary Campaigns
By Ty Duffy
A year ago, it looked like the Republican Party had a deep, formidable primary field. Now, Marco Rubio is no more. The GOP is down to two cartoon villains and John Kasich, who has no chance.
Much of this has to do with Donald Trump. Though, that should not overshadow some hilariously bad campaigning that went on. Here are the five worst run campaigns, in order.
Jeb Bush [Florida] Bush turned his apparent inevitability into a nine-figure war chest, then squandered it. He took one moderate jab from Donald Trump, and never got back off the mat. The apex of his campaign was finishing a rousing fourth in New Hampshire, spending nearly $1,200 per vote. Or, perhaps, it was this fraternal chest bump. Stilted and milquetoast, he was unfit for this (or any) presidential primary. Please clap.
Chris Christie [New Jersey] Capable, moderate Christie looked like the future after 2012. But, then he acted like an adult after Sandy, had the Bridgegate scandal, cultivated a weird, intimate relationship with Jerry Jones, wore baseball pants, and irritated just about everyone in the process. He was that guy during the GOP debates. He invested everything in New Hampshire, then finished lower than Jeb Bush. He’s now been reduced to Donald Trump’s errand boy.
Scott Walker [Wisconsin] Walker looked like a contender. He was conservative enough for the base and the big-time donors. He had a track record of winning, and getting conservative things done in a blue state. The debates came and revealed him for the pasty Koch brothers puppet he was. He didn’t reach the primaries. Heck, he didn’t even reach the fall equinox.
Marco Rubio [Florida] Vibrant, young, and Hispanic, he was supposed to be the ideal GOP candidate. Alas, Rubio believed his own hype. He won over the GOP establishment (when there were no other options), but never won over actual voters. Hubris leading to inevitable comeuppance is the best story in journalism, especially when it happens to a boots-sporting pretty boy. No coincidence folks from everywhere are flying in off the top rope. He did get in a sick burn on Florida State though.
Ben Carson [Outer Space] Carson led the polls for a while, as a genial, religious, African-American outsider. Then the media rubbed a little harder, revealing he was a Pyramid truther and forcing him to defend the lie that he had in fact tried to stab someone. Carson seemed to unravel with his campaign, culminating in whatever the moment above was.
Honorable Mention
Carly Fiorina [California] She had her moment at the adult table debate. She never quite capitalized. Her most memorable contribution to the 2016 Presidential Campaign? The worst pandering sports tweet in political history.
Bobby Jindal [Louisiana] Jindal may have saved Les Miles, which was more consequential than anything he did on the campaign trail. Expect him to sidle his way into the Fox News pundit-o-sphere.
George Pataki [New York] We just ran a google search to double check that he ran. He did.
Rick Santorum [Pennsylvania] He’ll always have Google.