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Thanksgiving Dishes Ranked From Least to Most Likely to Win the Squid Game

By Stephen Douglas
This murderous doll shows up at Thanksgiving dinner. How do you open?
This murderous doll shows up at Thanksgiving dinner. How do you open? / Vivien Killilea/GettyImages
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Every year a number of foods are prepared and set out for the enjoyment of a group gathering. A number of people come together around a table and devour the helpless foods. You see, Thanksgiving dishes, much like contestants in the Squid Game, rarely make it out alive, though some do survive the day to become leftovers. So basically Thanksgiving dinner and Squid Game are the exact same thing. Which foods are most likely to win the Squid Game?

Read on.

8. Sweet Potatoes

Yams. Ugly, nameless yams. They're bad at working together and following directions. They would get mowed down quickly and dragged off in marshmallow bodybags.

Maybe next time.

7. Turkey

Flightless birds, fattened up for consumption. Everyone knows that only like 50 turkeys survive every Thanksgiving so that they can be part of photo ops for politicians. Those 50 turkeys then go to work repopulating the world with their species. These birds are raised for the slaughter and lack the critical thinking skills required to be victorious in the Squid Game.

6. Cranberries

On the one hand, this side is tart, packing a subtle punch that you wouldn't expect from something shaped like the can it comes in. On the other hand, it can also come in a pile of small balls. And on the third hand, they had one of the biggest alternative rock hits of the 1990's.

5. Mashed Potatoes

This is the food most likely to form an alliance. Mashed potatoes will work with any other food on the plate. They also get slapped around and buttered up like Seong Gi-Hun in the subway before he joins the Squid Game.

4. Green Bean Casserole

The only dish named after the dish it comes in. Green bean casserole is a necessary evil, like Jang Deok-su.

3. Gravy

A liquid made of meat juices mixed with flour and starch. If that's not the Old Man, I don't know what is! Gravy will hang around a long time because it must be sopped. You cannot simply eat gravy with a fork because it is liquid, so it must be sopped.

2. Rolls

And how else would you sop the gravy than with a roll? And what does a roll remind you of? Someone who graduated top of its class at University? Exactly. Just like Cho Sang-woo. And just like Sang-woo, rolls will turn on you and try and kill you. Damn untrustworthy rolls. Never what they seem. You cut them open and butter them and they thank you with a knife right back in your side.

1. Stuffing

What makes stuffing? No one knows. It's just random scraps from around the kitchen. We think. It's mostly stale bread, possibly leftover rolls from the previous Thanksgiving. Remind you of anyone? That's right, Seong Gi-Hun. Again! Stuffing is the last thing on the plate and the first thing to cozy up to every other food. Plus it has a massive gambling problem.

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