Soccer is Un-American? A Rebuttal in NFL GIF and Video Form
By Jason Lisk
The Seattle Times ran a reader submission entitled “Why Soccer is Un-American, and 10 Ways to Fix It.” It might have been written in 1995 on a word processor and just now submitted, or perhaps, is some really high-level parody. Either way, here is a rebuttal showing that soccer is exactly American based on the commentary provided. Rather than do a FJM’ing of the piece, though, we’ll just do a F-G-M-ing with heavy use of existing GIFs in our video library. (And you can debate whether that is a hard G or not).
Some of the suggestions include increasing the point values of goals and doing away with goalkeepers. After all, the NFL teams averaged 2.5 touchdowns per game last year, which you would think was low scoring. But lo and behold, add 7 points (yes, yes, I’m including the automatic extra point excitement), and BLAM! A sport with 97% of the action being a non-scoring play, full of controversy and hilarity, becomes truly American.
Soccer lovers say it doesn’t matter. It’s a beautiful game with a back-and-forth flow leading to “chances.”
That’s fine for purists. But it looks to me like multiple midfield turnovers …
… and failed crossing passes from the corners.
Most Americans want to see scoring to separate winners from losers and make games more exciting.
Low-scoring, defense-dominated games are not only boring, they can be unfair. An inferior team with a lucky goal can snatch a win from a dominant team.
Americans prefer fairness.
Low scores also contribute to unsportsmanlike conduct and poor officiating.
When a single goal could decide a game, fouls and penalties become too important.
This leads to the spectacle of players flopping in faux agony in hopes of winning the call, especially for a penalty kick.
Not immune from pressure, referees realize a set piece could be a game-changer.
This results in bad calls, non-calls and makeup calls.
Americans don’t go to games to watch the ref or to watch athletes playing for fouls. They’d rather see players overcome fouls with their skills.
For these reasons soccer, as it is played by the world, is un-American. We need a new and improved soccer for America.
[videos and GIFs prepared meticulously by Michael Shamburger]