Royals Decide on Weird Postseason Celebration That Involves Hammering and Burning Boats After Wins

Stephen Douglas
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The Kansas City Royals are new to the whole postseason thing. They are [OFFICIALLY!] in the MLB Playoffs for the first time in 29 years following their thrilling Wild Card win over the Oakland Athletics. So you can understand if their organization isn’t exactly steeped in tradition and the players don’t know what to do for good luck.

Let’s go to the Royals locker room for the postgame celebration. Jeremy Guthrie, a 35-year old pitcher in his third season with Kansas City, gave an impassioned speech about nailing paper boats to a cross that is clearly not a cross. There is also some confusion about the number of remaining wins the team needs to win the World Series. Either way, when the final boat is nailed, the Royals will burn them because “we’re never going back on somebody’s boat to claim the title.”

What could possibly go wrong? On top of the fact that nothing Guthrie said made any sense, this plan involves people in a crowded room wearing goggles hammering things while drinking. And on top of that? FIRE. It is dangerous. It makes no sense. It is perfect for the Kansas City Royals. I hope they win the World Series and their locker room is stocked with champagne and fire extinguishers.

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