Roundup: Jessica Lowndes is Not Engaged to Jon Lovitz; Comedian Destroys Heckler

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Alexis Ren … reporter arrested for attempting to obtain public records, trying to do his job … no, Jon Lovitz is not dating Jessica Lowndes … hand jobs are back? … “The life and death of Red, Miami courthouse character and Internet meme” … Viceland is a new cable network, and almost nobody is watching it … “Davenport man protesting law that requires him to pay for another man’s child” … long but super-important story about juveniles trying to get off the sex-offender registry … “Thousands Flee Guatemala Ahead of Tuesday’s Qualifier vs. U.S.” … mocking the NYT’s trend stories on millennials … “Voters in America, and increasingly elsewhere too, are being ever more precisely targeted” …

A rant about me not caring about 90% of sports “news” during the 10 days of March Madness. Also, media talk with Michael McCarthy of the Sporting News & college basketball with Gary Parrish of CBS. [3-hour showBest of Podcast]

The Lakers lost to the Jazz by 48 points. Kobe Bryant was 1-of-11 and registered an astonishing -44. [LA Times]

You should probably read this story on the Division III Geneseo hockey team, which had one of its players killed during the season, and then made a run to the Frozen Four. [NYT]

Griffin Alstott, the son of former NFL player Mike Alstott, is going to attend Purdue. He’s a quarterback. [Rivals]

I find it hard to believe NFL teams are going to hold it against Christian Hackenberg that he told the truth about the Penn State offense. [Yahoo Sports]

Shouldn’t surprise anyone, given Syracuse was an NIT-bound team for 95% of the season: In the annals of Final 4 history, Syracuse is one of the worst. [ESPN]

If you’re up for a lengthy college football read in March, this one, on the new Mississippi State defensive coordinator, is terrific. [Clarion-Ledger]

Advice if you suddenly find yourself unemployed: “Exploit your contacts and be patient.” [SBJ]

Goodbye, Big Papi. I’ll toss in a good riddance. [News-Press]

Woman gets called out for parking in handicapped spot, so she throws two drinks at the guy. What a rancid human being.

Conan O’Brien remembers Garry Shandling. Worth six minutes of your time.

Hecklers: Be careful going after comics.