Please Don't Cut Your Big Books in Half

Books, uncut
Books, uncut / Matthew Horwood/Getty Images

A fun game for Coastal elites to play is, "Would a Crowded Subway Train Bother Taking Notice of This?" Living in a bustling city quickly dulls the senses and almost completely eradicates surprise. The bizarre becomes the norm and it takes a special strain of oddness to even register. For instance, it's Ronnie Woo Woo in Chicago and the guy who wears a cat on his head around in SoHo in New York City. Your results may vary.

But friends, we can all agree that seeing some person carrying around half a book and feverishly consuming its contents as if it were normal encroaches into See Something, Say Something territory. And yet, here's Alex Christofi, a senior editor at Oneworld News, gleefully tweeting out that he cuts his big books in half to make them more portable.

"Book murderer" is tough, yet fair. It's better than an actual murderer, which is something a person might think if they saw someone reading a clearly mangled literary work as if nothing were out of the ordinary. Best-case scenario for half-book-holders, I'd think, would be to always have an empty seat next to them on public transportation. So perhaps it's a heady play. Still kind of sick.

Look, if one consenting adult and one non-consenting book want to do some kinky stuff behind closed doors, that's one thing. But to flaunt it out in public like that? Shameful.

No one wants to live in a society where one person on a park bench is reading Pride while their neighbor is reading & Prejudice. Same things goes for War & and Peace.

Call me old-fashioned, but books were meant to be in one piece. It's bad enough that the world has fully embraced the interior design trend of putting them spine-first on shelves. My wife did this in my study and now I can't tell which book is which without taking it down from its perch.

But I digress.

A book is supposed to have weight. If it's a substantial read, it is supposed to feel substantial in one's hand. If you can't handle it, then physical texts are not for you. There are plenty of electronic options available without you playing half-deranged scientist and half-God.

We're trying to have a society here. This half-measure is fully insane.