Pigskin Pigsplosion Week 10 NFL Preview: The Bengals and Browns are Both (Kinda) Good
There have been a lot of upsets this year, and weird, wacky results each week in the NFL. The biggest upset is that we’ve made it to Week 10 and have faithfully posted a Pigsplosion every Thursday. How does this happen? The streak continues this week, and at least one of us has picked more than half the games right against the spread. Stephen outsourced some of his comments last week, with disastrous results. So he’s back to giving it 100% effort this week.
Last Week
Ryan: 8-5
Stephen: 3-10
Jason: 7-6
Season
Ryan: 71-62-1
Stephen: 66-67-1
Jason: 66-67-1
Cleveland @ Cincinnati (-6)
Jason: The last time the Browns played in primetime, Brian Hoyer destroyed his knee, and Johnny Manziel was busy studying in college. Yeah, it’s been over a year since that Buffalo-Cleveland shootout. In this one, the Bengals do have A.J. Green back, but that defense has been banged up quite a bit. The Browns have gone through a pretty easy stretch (where they went 2-1), and this one feels like too many points. Browns.
Stephen: Ohio has two professional football teams? Who knew? BROWNS
Ryan: No idea why, but it just feels like the Bengals are due to thump somebody.
Dallas (-6.5) vs. Jacksonville (in London)
Ryan: Because long international flights are just about the worst, here are my power rankings for what feels like the longest hour:
1. Dentist appointment
2. Any 60-minute stretch on a 12+ hour flight after you’ve already slept and watched your first movie choice
3. Temple
4. Waiting for an NFL playoff game to kick off
5. The time between ordering food delivery and its arrival
6. Sitting in a doctor’s waiting room (or anywhere, really) with insufficient phone battery
7. Waiting to get seated at a restaurant
8. On-hold with cable company.
9. Stuck in traffic
10. Practicing an instrument at a time increment mandated by parents
/Cowboys.
Jason: Britain’s team over America’s team? Jaguars.
Stephen: Personally, I would have left the guy with the broken back home to rest against one of the worst teams in the league, but then again, I’m not the one whose job depends on Brandon Weeden. COWBOYS
Miami @ Detroit (-3)
Stephen: Dolphins traveling north for a 1pm game in a dome? Recipe for disaster. DOLPHINS
Ryan: The Lions deserved to lose their game in London against the Falcons more than any team that’s won a game deserved to lose this season. There need to be comeuppances for that. Miami.
Jason: Correction due or not? Miami is in the top 5 in pretty much every rankings system I look at, and there is a lot of disagreement normally. They’ve been handling teams recently. I’ll stay with it, even though Calvin is back and the Lions’ offense should be better. Dolphins.
Kansas City (-2) @ Buffalo
Jason: Kyle Orton remembers his brief time in Kansas City so fondly that his favorite thing was being close to Iowa, where he was born. That’s like a 4.5-hour drive, and roughly 100 gas stations along the way at which to purchase flasks of whiskey. Chiefs.
Stephen: There are cars in the midwest? Who knew? BILLS
Ryan: The Chiefs have quietly won five of six. If they win in Buffalo this week and the 49ers continue to falter, we’re going to see a piping hot batch of The-49ers-Should’ve-Stuck-With-Alex-Smith takes. Those, and the COUNTER takes, are always delightful.
San Francisco @ New Orleans (-5)
Jason: Jim Harbaugh will no doubt be distracted with thoughts of crying over what life would be like in Lawrence, Kansas while walking Bourbon Street. 49ers.
Stephen: Is this the Harbaugh that is going to the Jets or is it the other Harbaugh that is going to save the Jets? I get my Harbaughs who are going to save the Jets confused. SAINTS
Ryan: Two of my tried and true gambling theories are going against each other here. It’s a Harbaugh team playing the week Jerry Rice said the coach’s “collegiate style” doesn’t work (40-15-1 is NOT gonna cut it around here, buddy) versus a Sean Payton team at home. Everyone seems to have caught on to the Payton thing — though that’s been the case for a little bit, and they keep chugging along at home — so I’m rolling with 49ers.
Tennessee @ Baltimore (-9.5)
Ryan: It’s kinda bullshit that Jeffrey Kessler interrogating Roger Goodell in the Ray Rice hearing is not televised. Off the top of my head, there’s nothing I’d rather watch. I’d pay at least $100 if it were offered on PPV. Also, Goodell Squirming Twitter is the absolute best kind of Twitter. Tidbits filtered through access-heavy reporters are insufficient for my needs. The fans are really getting deprived on this one. Ravens.
Jason: The ratings for that would definitely exceed this game. Titans.
Stephen: Sure. Ask the UFC how the PPV model is doing these days. I’ll stick with the actual football game. RAVENS
Jason: You mean, like another different football game like Chiefs-Bills, right?
Pittsburgh (-9.5) @ NY Jets
Ryan: Footstrongall is crazy. The Steelers were just astrongout dead in the water three weeks ago, on their way to a loss against Houston and a strongelow .500 record, when they scored three touchdowns in just over a minute. Now all of a sudden they look unstoppastrongle. As Simmons and Sal noted in their podcast, Besides the Patriots and Broncos, I’m not sure if anyone would stronge favored over them on a neutral field this Sunday. Maystronge Arizona? Anyways, this is where I pick the Jets on the strongasis that these things rarely make sense.
Jason: I am making the Jets my weekly pick on that same logic.
Stephen: Guess I’ll play Devil’s Advocate on my DVD player and when that’s over I’ll pick against the shitty Jets. STEELERS
Atlanta (-1.5) @ Tampa Bay
Jason: If you have an opportunity to go back to an old journeyman quarterback for the first time since he left a game with injury down 35-0, with one total first down, and do it against that same team, you have to do it. Falcons.
Stephen: This game will either be close or not. FALCONS
Ryan: Lovie Smith’s second act doesn’t seem to be working out too well. Falcons.
Denver (-11.5) @ Oakland
Jason: Last week, I said I was going to be riding the Raiders’ huge lines. Gulp. Peyton Manning and the Broncos are coming off a bad performance at New England and likely in a foul mood. That said, Oakland covered at Seattle as a huge dog, and is now the 11th team since 2000 to start a year 0-8. The other 10 were 18-11 ATS over the second half of the year when a dog of more than 7 points. Winless teams, IMO, are more dangerous than a 1 or 2 win team. Raiders.
Stephen: Yeah, but the Seahawks aren’t that good. Just like Peyton Manning’s favorite pizza. BRONCOS
Ryan: No one should ever eat Pizza Hut, Dominos, or Papa Johns, though I violate my own rule more often than I’d care to admit because there’s a Pizza Hut three blocks from my apartment and their deals can be tantalizingly cheap. There’s a Chicago pizza chain called Sarpino’s that I like way better, and delivery is about the same price for both. In a weird twist of fate, it’s better cold than hot. I don’t know how to explain it; it’s pretty good the first time around but unheated leftovers straight up dominate. Broncos.
St. Louis @ Arizona (-7)
Stephen: If you can beat Brandon Weeden, you can beat whoever the Rams quarterback is. CARDINALS
Jason: His name is Austin Davis, Stephen, and he is young enough to be Brandon Weeden’s half-brother from dad’s second marriage, after an expensive vasectomy reversal. Rams.
Ryan: The Rams are in the middle of an absolutely brutal schedule stretch. Their last six opponents were Dallas, Philadelphia, San Francisco twice, Seattle, and Kansas City. After this game, they play Denver and San Diego. They feel like a 6-10 or 7-9 team that plays just friskily enough to keep Jeff Fisher’s job.
NY Giants @ Seattle (-9.5)
Stephen: The Eli Manning – Russell Wilson debate could be a fun one in a couple years if the Seattle defense doesn’t get awesome again. I mean, they are both Super Bowl winning quarterbacks. So, it’s the logical conclusion. GIANTS
Ryan: Don’t forget Joe Flacco. Quite the ELITE conundrum three-way here. Giants.
Jason: How differently would Eli Manning be viewed but for a couple of plays in January and February? Certainly one of the more amazing thought experiments. Same goes for Coughlin, who I think is likely on his way out. Giants.
Chicago @ Green Bay (-7.5)
Ryan: I’ve gotta say, it was actually super refreshing to watch the NFL last week and not have the Packers stressing me out. It’s not anything I would wanna make a habit out of or anything, but the bye week came at a good time for me, as well as the team. While the Packers benefitted from the week off in terms of getting some players healthy, the Bears entered their week off in free-fall. It’s hard for me to believe they’re as bad as they played against New England. Also, the Packers might be without two of their starting offensive linemen, which are injuries we don’t hear about in the news that often but tend to really impact games. Bears.
Jason: Jay Cutler is tired of listening to all the haters, and he needs a nap. Bears.
Stephen: Is this the part of the post where Ryan pretends the Packers are going to lose to a shitty team. Ryan, stop doing that. PACKERS
Carolina @ Philadelphia (-6)
Stephen: For the first time in history, a bunch of people tried to pick up Mark Sanchez in fantasy football. Heck, some people were even unsuccessful. Can you imagine someone telling you last year that in 2014 you would try to pick up Mark Sanchez in fantasy football, but couldn’t because someone else did? To quote Mark Cardeeyo, “What a time to be alive!” EAGLES
Jason: I don’t know what’s worse, hanging my head in shame for failing to get Mark Sanchez, or submitting a lineup with Andy Dalton as the starter now. Panthers.
Ryan: I keep having the same kind of bad dream where I’m back in high school. I got into Wisconsin before Thanksgiving when I was a senior, and this fact is in my subconsciousness when I proceed to skip every class after lunch for, like, seven straight months. So there’s a few classes I’m doing okay in, but June is coming around and I literally haven’t shown up for science or history this calendar year, and I need to pass the finals in order to graduate. I keep waking up for the resolution.
It should be noted that this dream is loosely based on reality. I had European History in my second to last period, and a free period at the end of the day, and spent a vast majority April and May just straight up not showing up. The teacher was pretty good at actually teaching, but he never held us accountable for that type of behavior. There were kids that skipped test days, and I’m pretty sure they didn’t fail. Panthers.