Pigskin Pigsplosion NFL Week 14 Preview: Bears and Cowboys on Thursday, Again

We are back and at least as mediocre as ever. This is your first full slate of games since sometime before October, that doesn’t involve most of them on a Thursday. In case you missed last Thursday’s Thanksgiving games, the loser’s bracket plays again tonight. Also, because there are 14 games on Sunday, the NFL actually has to put more than two games in the late time slot. It’s still a 9 to 4 split, though.

Stephen: 8-7 (95-95-1)

Ryan: 6-9 (95-95-1)

Jason: 4-11 (89-99-1)

Dallas (-3.5) @ Chicago (Thursday Night)

Ryan: These Thursday night games tend to be blowouts, and if that’s going to happen it would seem far more likely that the Cowboys would be on the giving end. This type of game is a hard dilemma for a Bears fan. If Chicago has a mini-resurgence to end the year, they get a worse draft pick and would be far more likely to bring Marc Treastman back (which they might do anyway since ownership is cheap and wouldn’t want to pay two coaches, but there’s going to be a whole lot of yelling in this town if that happens).

Stephen: If Jason Garrett can get over .500 (still a possibility!) then why can’t Marc Trestman have a third year? Unless he’s going to be the next Michigan coach. Unless Garrett is the next Michigan coach. COWBOYS

Jason: Jay Cutler and Tony Romo appearing in the same game? Yeah, I’m sure that these two will get nothing but praise. Bears.

Baltimore @ Miami (-2.5)

Stephen: Assuming the Ravens have enough players to play this game, I expect a good old fashioned AFC shootout. Or a slugfest. Can never remember which the AFC is famous for. DOLPHINS

Ryan: I’ve been staring at the screen for about seven minutes trying to think of something — anything! — to say about this game, and I keep coming up blank. Oh well. Dolphins.

Jason: The Ravens may have blown it last week, and need this one to stay in realistic playoff contention with so many teams log jammed. Dolphins

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati (-3)

Jason: Are the Bengals a good team? I’m not so sure lately, and they barely survived last week, but they are 8-3-1, which means the Steelers probably think they are good, and will play up to the competition accordingly. Steelers.

Stephen: The Bengals are a good team, but they mostly suck. That should answer everyone’s questions. BENGALS

Ryan: My tried and true method on these games that seem like an obvious Vegas trap is to side with the neon lights (except for when I overrule myself which, spoiler alert, will happen with the Jags game). Steelers.

Indianapolis (-3.5) @ Cleveland

Stephen: The most important December football game in Cleveland since before blogs existed. Somebody will have to dig up a magazine or newspaper or something to see how that game went. COLTS

Ryan: This was probably the dumbest football thing I saw this week:

If you think Hoyer is straight up better than Manziel, fine, but what the shit does being a rookie have to do with it? A quarterback can’t be expected to lead more than one touchdown drive out of every 47 opportunities because it’s his first year in the league? Colts.

Jason: Yeah, maybe Manziel is completely stinking it up in practice and Thomas wants no part of him, but there have been no shortage of teams that have made the playoffs with a highly drafted rookie starting over a journeyman. Also, loser gets Trent Richardson. Browns.

Houston (-5) @ Jacksonville

Ryan: JJ Watt is going to have about two dozen sacks in this game. Even though this line feels like a trap, it feels like that’s always the case with Jaguars games and they still fail to cover most of the time. No, I’m not looking it up. Real men go with their gut or something. Texans. 

Stephen: Hopefully. Texans.

Jason: I agree. Jaguars.

NY Giants (PK) @ Tennessee

Jason: How far have the Giants fallen? More injuries, a loss to Jacksonville last week, and they aren’t even favored over a dreadful Tennessee team on the road. Titans.

Stephen: This game reminds me a lot of an Adam Sandler movie in that I don’t want to watch it. GIANTS

Ryan: I cannot BELIEVE the Giants stronglew that game to the Jaguars last week, not that I watched how any of it went down and have an informed opinion on the sustrongject. Titans.

Carolina @ New Orleans (-9.5)

Stephen: This game could get the 3-8-1 Panthers right back in the playoff hunt. Seriously! Check out the standings. I did not make that up! SAINTS

Ryan: Cam Newton lost a whole lot of money this year. It’s hard to know how much of that is his fault, but it’d be insane to lock him up with mega guarantees at this point. Panthers.

Jason: I don’t know if I agree with that. His numbers are slightly down, but comparable to last year (yards per attempt virtually identical, interceptions, etc) and he came into the season hurt, and the offensive line has been awful. The difference? Carolina was 2nd in points allowed last year, 29th this year. They’ve already exercised the fifth year option so he is getting big money next year, so it is just a matter of when they extend. He would get paid on the open market, because have you seen the other options?  Panthers

Tampa Bay @ Detroit (-9.5)

Stephen: Can we just cancel this game and have Stafford alternately throw bombs into double-coverage to Calvin Johnson and Mike Evans? Whoever catches more balls wins the game. That would be awesome. LIONS.

Ryan: I feel like Mike Evans would take him at this point. Bucs.

Jason: This takes me back to a time when the Lions and Bucs would play for NFC Central supremacy. I’m sure that happened at least once.

St. Louis (-2.5) @ Washington

Jason: Dome team, not particularly good offensively, on the road in the cold, as a favorite? I’m also going to need to hear the St. Louis Police Association’s view on the Washington team name. Washington

Stephen: I saw a Sam Bradford Fathead in the mall last weekend. I wondered if it was the only one ever produced. Then I walked across the hall and looked at sugar gliders. What are those little things anyway? Maybe that could be the new Washington team name. I would buy a Washington Sugar Gliders hat. WASHINGTON

Ryan: You know who’s been in the news an awful lot this week compared to normal? The Rams. Also, Chris Rock.

NY Jets @ Minnesota (-6)

Jason: The Jets may not throw a single forward pass this game. Jets.

Stephen: Not for lack of trying though! JETS

Ryan: If I’m Rex Ryan, I’m pretty excited for a month from now when the New York tabloids get the hell out of my life and I have a cushy broadcasting gig. That sounds a lot better than being the coach of the Jets, IMHO. Vikings.

Buffalo @ Denver (-9.5)

Stephen: I don’t think I have picked against the Bills. Ever. Could be why I’m so bad at this. BILLS

Ryan: This is where the Broncos rip off four huge wins in a row as everyone forgets about the bad Peyton Manning playoff game that we should remember is coming.

Jason: Kyle Orton returns to Denver. Can someone get Tebow back there as well so we can reunite the last three Denver quarterbacks? Bills

Kansas City @ Arizona (-1)

Stephen: It’s funny because Cardinals fans are going to act like they were going to win the Super Bowl with a healthy Carson Palmer. There are Cardinals fans, right? Pretty sure I saw them in the background of a Cardinals game one time. CHIEFS

Ryan: I’ve never met one IRL. Chiefs.

Jason: Neither of these teams has played their best football in the last few weeks. I know that Mathieu is out, but the combination of the Arizona aggressive defense + bad chiefs offensive line play + Alex Smith’s inability to get his eyes downfield and get rid of the ball worries me. Cardinals.

San Francisco (-8.5) @ Oakland

Jason: The team that covers gets Jim Harbaugh as its coach next year. Raiders

Stephen: I just don’t think Jim Harbaugh would be a good fit for the 49ers. FORTY NINERS

Ryan: Something’s very off about these 49ers. They’re very untrustworthy. Raiders.

Seattle @ Philadelphia (-1)

Ryan: This seems like a game that everybody will overreact to on Monday. The winners will be coronated into the ELITE trench of the league with the Packers and Patriots and the loser, depending on how bad it goes for them, will be labeled as liar clown frauds. I’d love nothing more than for Seattle to somehow miss the playoffs, but my fear is that they’re putting everything together at the right time to go on another annoying playoffs run.

Stephen: Mark Sanchez just wins playoff games. EAGLES

Jason: Seattle is coming on and has been back on form defensively. Seahawks.

New England (-3.5) @ San Diego (Sunday Night)

Ryan: You never want to pick against the Patriots the week after a loss. Everybody knows that.

Stephen: Wonder if the Patriots will play possum against the Chargers because they could possibly face them in the playoffs. Everyone knows that is the only reason the Patriots have ever lost a game, right? Even the Super Bowl losses happened because the Patriots were planning to face that same team in the Super Bowl the next season. Belichick even wrote this paragraph to further confuse and pwn you and the entire NFL. PATRIOTS

Jason: Well, I guess I’ll take the Chargers then. Tom Brady only wins in San Diego when New England gets out gained by 200 yards and the Chargers rely in Kris Brown to tie it, or when he clutchily throws interceptions that are then fumbled. So yeah, the Patriots will probably win, but oh well.

Atlanta @ Green Bay (-12) (Monday Night)

Ryan: This is the part of the week where I think the Packers will win but not cover a huge spread against a Falcons team that has quietly won three of its last four.

Jason: Aaron Rodgers can hang 50 here on the “first place” Falcons. Packers.

Stephen: I agree with Ryan that the Packers will struggle and maybe even consider dissolving their entire franchise on Monday night. PACKERS