Pigskin Pigsplosion NFL Week 12 Preview: Chiefs Try to Avoid Trap, Cardinals Continue to Get No Respect at Seattle
Thanksgiving is almost here. Which means we have to think about what we are going to do for next week’s spectacular week of NFL football. I can assure that there is nothing we want to do more than to work on the Pigsplosion on the Wednesday afternoon before Thanksgiving. Please leave your suggestions in the comments.
Last Week
Ryan: 5-9
Stephen: 7-7
Jason: 7-7
Season
Ryan: 83-77-1
Stephen: 81-79-1
Jason: 78-82-1
Kansas City (-7) @ Oakland
Jason: Should I be worried that this line is only seven points? Oakland has not won a game all year, while Kansas City has won 7 of 8, with the only loss being a close one at San Francisco. Rivalry game holding this one down, or is it just that the gambling public has not caught up with the Chiefs. Is this the type of game that would poison its own goblet, because a clever man would . . . wait, it’s the Raiders, right? Chiefs.
Stephen: You forget that the Chiefs are quarterbacked by Alex Smith who is lucky to score 7 points in any game. Now, next year when Reid brings in a Detmer? Then you can favor the Chiefs by more than a touchdown. CHIEFS
Ryan: Seems like a trap. Raiders.
Cleveland @ Atlanta (-3)
Ryan: I went to the Packers game last Sunday, and missed most of the other games throughout the day. As my record indicates, it’s not as though I have some clairvoyant feel on the league or anything having been glued to it before last week, but it’s crazy how much the grip I thought I had evaporated after missing just one day of games. That’s how they get you. Browns.
Jason: You missed the Browns stinking up the joint, and an internal discussion of a Broadway show, Ryan.
Stephen: From Rex: “The road to the Super Bowl lasted one, glorious week. Cleveland, as Cleveland is wont to do, collapsed under the weigh of it’s Clevelandness and we’re back to debating Manziel, Hoyer, Kyrie Irving, and Kevin Love.” Do people in Cleveland actually debate these things or is it just the media/Internet? Like, if jobs with water coolers existed in Cleveland, would people be debating those things? Or just talking about how much snow they got in Buffalo. BROWNS
Tennessee @ Philadelphia (-11)
Ryan: Obviously, one of the teams I did see was Philadelphia, and I came away rather unimpressed with them. Excepting their loss in New Orleans, the Packers have been on a warpath, but the Eagles didn’t muster any sort of endeavor to stop the bleeding. I have no idea whether this has any mathematic basis or not, but it always feels like a bad sign when blown out teams stay blown out. They’ll probably win this week, but the line seems too high. Titans.
Stephen: Mark Sanchez will be the top free agent quarterback next year. I base that on the fact that I have no clue who else is a free agent quarterback. Is Andrew Luck a free agent? TITANS
Jason: Those of us who are experts on everything Mark Sanchez remember that his last meaningful start came against Tennessee when he threw 4 interceptions and crushed any lingering playoff hopes in 2012. Also, I don’t trust Mark Sanchez getting double digit points. Titans.
Detroit @ New England (-7)
Jason: It’s fun to look back on some of these AFC-NFC matchups because they occur so infrequently. The last time Detroit and New England played, you might remember, was on Thanksgiving, and it’s crazy just how much things have changed. The Lions had a young head coach named Jim Schwartz who was 4-22 at the time as a head coach. Shaun Hill was starting for Detroit. Someone named Aaron Brown had the most carries for the Lions, and he earns that tag–I don’t remember him and his 189 career rushing yards. The Benjarvus Green-Ellis and Danny Woodhead platoon was underway. Deion Branch had two touchdowns.
And of course, there was Belichick and Brady. Patriots.
Stephen: Nothing says The Patriots Way like a Lions game from 4 years ago. PATRIOTS
Ryan: The Patriots have been such a good football team in November under Bill Belichick (I’m not quite motivated enough to look all the way back, but they’re 13-3 in the month since the 2010 season). Therefore, I’m picking the Lions as an emotional hedge.
Green Bay (-9.5) @ Minnesota
Stephen: From Happy: “They could have made this line 25 and I still would have taken the Packers. I can’t wait to see what Clay Mathews does when he lines up on the outside. Matt Kalil should be allowed to line up at tackle with a baseball bat in his hand to make it more even.” Adrian Peterson will not be playing this weekend as he continues to serve his indefinite suspension. PACKERS
Jason: Matt Kalil has been awful. Honestly, I’m just taking the Vikings with the points here because Happy would take a 25 point line and things like Denver last week happen with regularity. Vikings.
Ryan: I have lots of things to say about Adrian Peterson, but now’s not the time or the place. Vikings.
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis (-14)
Stephen: From Happy: “In today’s NFL, I don’t like taking any team that’s giving 14. But the Colts are averaging over 30 ppg while the Jags are averaging just under 16. I’m not great at math but I’m pretty sure that’s a difference of more than 14 so this is clearly easy money if you ignore all the flaws in my theory.” Good stuff. Still, not enough is being made of how good an NFL running back Denard Robinson appears to be. Does he still leave his shoes untied? JAGS
Ryan: Lisk recommended that I pick Robinson up in fantasy about a month ago, and that turned out to be a good idea. EVERYBODY CARES ABOUT MY FANTASY TEAM. Jags.
Jason: I recommend lots of things, some of which work out, some don’t. The main thing is, just like with Belichick and his draft philosophy, get as many chances to get those pickups as you can, and stay active with the end of the roster. Sorry we talked fantasy rather than breaking down the Jags, by the way. Jaguars.
Cincinnati @ Houston (-2)
Jason: Every team in the AFC North is at least two games over .500, and I’m still not sure who among them is any good (my guess is Baltimore, but they are in some tiebreaker trouble and need to start showing it). That view particularly holds for Cincinnati. Just compare the last two games they played, which adequately sum up the any given Sunday (or Thursday night) nature of the NFL. Andy Dalton had a horrific game and the offense was terrible against the Browns, and then they dominated at New Orleans. The Texans, meanwhile, followed up with a win over that same Browns team on the road. Who knows? Texans.
Stephen: If JJ Watt has a good game I think he might get a commercial out of it. TEXANS
Ryan: My drivers license expired in September, and I still haven’t renewed it, partially due to laziness (I don’t have a car and it’s non-essential for day-to-day life) and partially because the DMV should rot in hell. I went there on Columbus Day and it was closed. I guess it’s always closed on Monday’s, and would especially be closed for a made-up holiday, so that’s on me. But I also went yesterday.
I brought two magazines, thinking these would prove my address, but got there and was told the only things that were acceptable were bills and bank statements that I handle electronically. They let you show one proof of address on your phone, but not both. They said I can print one of them, which seems like it would be WAY easier to forge than logging into an account in front of a guy and showing it to him. What a dumb fucking system. Texans.
NY Jets @ Buffalo (-4.5)
Jason: I’ll take the team that better prepared this week. So, Buffalo.
Stephen: Unfortunately for Jets fans, they have to play this game somewhere at some point. I’d also like to say that I am very excited to see who the next future quarterback of each of these teams will be. There’s no way Jameis Winston doesn’t end up with one of these teams, right? Bills.
Ryan: My hard drive crashed recently. I didn’t back up any of my documents because I pretty much use Google Docs for everything, and I use my iPod and computer as de facto backups for each other with all my music. Getting all my songs back onto my laptop from my iPod though was MISERABLE. They don’t let you do it through iTunes (or if they do I couldn’t figure out a way how), so I had to use a third party app.
Then there was no way to seamlessly transfer my playlists, so I had to save them from my iPod as text files, and re-load them into iTunes. I consider myself relatively tech savvy — I can’t program or anything, but you pick up a few tricks when you spend 8-12 hours a day on your computer for 15 years — and I don’t know if most people would’ve been able to handle this situation. Would they just accept that all their music is gone and start over? How is there not a better way? Jets.
Jason: [eyes glaze over]
Tampa Bay @ Chicago (-5.5)
Ryan: With the exception of the 2012 Colts, deliberate tanking is essentially a foreign concept in the NFL. The draft is more of a crapshoot, but franchises’ coaches, players, and fans also seem less amenable to it. It kind of feels like the Bears are about to go on a meaningless late-season run. If an NBA team did that at this point in the season their fans would be so mad. Bears.
Stephen: From Happy: “Former Bears coach Mediocre Smith returns to Mediocre Field where he mediocre’d his way to 3 NFC North mediocres in 9 mediocres. Sub Par McCown gets the start at QB for the Tampa Bay Sucks At Footballs.” Chicago is depressing enough in the winter. They don’t need the Bears. Go BEARS
Jason: Stephen is in Florida, by the way, and is no doubt wearing a vintage orange Buccaneers jersey with green swim trunks on a beach somewhere. That’s why he’s getting most of his comments from Happy rather than shopping around to a more diverse group of commenters. Bears
Arizona @ Seattle (-6.5)
Ryan: I had to do a double-take on this line to make sure I had it right/not backwards. Arizona stays getting zero respect. Seattle’s been decimated by injuries and they’ve got a tough schedule the rest of the way, but I’ve got zero sympathy for them. No one forced them to trade Percy Harvin, and that move may have something to do with why their receivers are never open. They talk shit about Marshawn Lynch through backchannels in the press, and he finally — deservedly — called them out for it. I also hate the way Pete Carroll chews his gum.
My goal for the next month is for them to collapse and for Russell Wilson to write some dreck in the Players Tribune — the type of essay that sounds humble and candid until you realize that’s exactly what he wants you to think — vowing to do better by Seahawks fans next year. We let the Seattle community down this season.Injuries are not an excuse. Every team in the National Football League loses great players. We took greatness for granted. There was less time in the weight room this season. Less time looking at film. I guess you could say that’s human nature after winning a Super Bowl, but frankly, I’m disappointed in myself. My performance was not up to the standards of who I know I can be. Next season begins right now.
Stephen: All I know is that Seattle has the best sports fans in the world. The 12th Mans! What a concept. CARDINALS
Jason: For what it’s worth, Seattle was the 27th most popular team just two years ago, and is now among the most popular teams in the league, Stephen, so don’t question the fans. Seahawks.
St. Louis @ San Diego (-4.5)
Stephen: The last time these two teams played you won’t believe who the starters were. Neither will I. Somebody look it up so we can all be amazed together. CHARGERS
Jason: Norv Turner was the coach, Stephen. Chargers.
Ryan: I haven’t watched the game rewind, and have no earthly idea how the Rams beat the Broncos. How do you classify a team with a 4-6 record that has wins against Seattle, San Francisco, and Denver? The ‘Bad Good Team’ doesn’t have the right ring to it. Rams.
Miami @ Denver (-7)
Jason: Miami has been quietly among the top 8 teams this year, and Denver’s offensive line was a bit of a mess last week, and we still await word on all the offensive injuries and who will be available. Miami’s strength is their defense, with a pretty good pass rush combined with some guys that can cover. I don’t think Manning is held to 7 points again, but I do like Miami to be competitive.
Stephen: The Broncos are getting hurt just in time for the playoffs. Hopefully, people blame all the injuries instead of Peyton when, well, you know. BRONCOS
Ryan: It’s really too bad that Denver didn’t sign Richie Incognito in advance of this one. That would’ve made for some really fun chatter. Dolphins.
Washington @ San Francisco (-9)
Ryan: Whereas controversy is weirdly a good thing for the 49ers, the Racial Slurs seem to fully unravel every year around this time. My wholly unsubstantiated theory on the whole Jay Gruden/RG3 soap opera this week is that Gruden knows everyone in the locker room can’t stand Griffin at this point, called him out to win over everyone else, then got coerced into backtracking by ownership/management. 49ers.
Jason: Dysfunctional. So, I’ll just throw in some Robert Earl Keen (fist bump to the cool Douglas brother) to get Christmas season going before Thanksgiving with some dysfunctional family love.
Stephen: Is this America’s Game of the Week? I only care about America’s Game of the Week. WASHINGTON
Dallas (-3.5) @ NY Giants
Stephen: From Miggie Smalls: “The Cowboys should be able to beat the Giants even if Brandon Weeden was throwing left-handed but this is the NFL so who the [redacted] knows? Fire Jason Garrett if he punts on the Giants side of the field.” There are a lot of good points in there. First, obviously, about how bad the Giants are. Then a salient point about coaches who punt in opposing team’s territory – they’re the worst. I will now yield the post to Lisk who will come in with 800 words and even more statistics backing up this point. COWBOYS
Jason: Stephen is particularly testy this week. I’ll send him an e-mail breaking it down. Giants.
Ryan: Following up a five-interception game is always the illogically logical time for Eli Manning to morph into Super Quarterback, but I think the Giants are just really bad for real this time. Cowboys.
Baltimore @ New Orleans (-3.5)
Stephen: All I really want is for a 5 or 6 win team to take the NFC South. People will lose their minds. Sucks for whichever team gets left out that was totally going to win the Super Bowl, but you know, that’s life! RAVENS
Ryan: Not betting against loud, drunk New Orleans fans in primetime.
Jason: Roger Goodell’s going to be at this game, right? I would love for him to be at this game. This should be the game he shows up to randomly, because there are no story lines involving either of these teams and he can just sit and enjoy a football contest Saints.