Not Going to Prison is Cool

By Stephen Douglas
Roger Stone
Roger Stone / Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images
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I have never committed a serious crime, but if I ever do, I really hope that someone I know can keep me out of jail. Or even if I'm falsely convicted of a serious crime or a couple felonies, I hope someone steps in to keep me out of jail. Even the best movies about jail make it look like it sucks there. So if I ever get accused of a serious crime and sentenced to prison, I really hope one of my friends can do something about it.

Look, I'm no angel. I've driven at speeds exceeding the posted speed limit. I have jaywalked. I voted seven times for Hillary Clinton in the 2016 presidential election. But I have never committed a serious crime, much less been convicted of one. If I one day am, I really hope someone else who was involved with the crime has the ability to say, "You know what? Forget about that jail sentence." That would be pretty cool. And I think other people should have that option as well. Especially, if it is in their best interest. Because that would be best for both of us. We'd both be free and happy and face no consequences for anything.

Our prisons are crowded, but imagine if anyone who did a crime with another person was freed by the other person who did the crime right before they were sent to prison. It would be super quiet in jail. And honestly, it would be hella tight for whoever was about to go to jail because jail sucks. You ever see Shawshank? Would have been nice for Andy's friend to stop him from going to jail in the first place.

Think about it for just a few minutes and it seems pretty fair actually. Even if you were accused of a crime and your friend went to jail for being a part of that crime and promised he wouldn't say you were involved in that crime that he went to jail for... actually, it would be super weird if you were the one who got to tell everyone that he actually gets to go home, wouldn't it? Like, even if you were both super innocent, it would be weird for one of the people to be able to just overrule all the courts and judges and law and constitutions, right?

I guess this might look questionable to some people. But still, if I were the one involved, that would be pretty cool. I mean, if I was sent to jail but my buddy who everyone thought was also involved could just say, "No, Stephen actually doesn't have to go to jail. Those 40 months he was sentenced to by an American court would not be cool so don't make him go." That would be awesome for me.

So if I am ever sentenced to a prison term, I hope someone steps in and stops that from happening. It would probably be part of a hoax anyway, so I think everyone else would eventually be cool about it as well. And if it is one of my friends who gets to make that call? Well, that's even better.

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