NFL Podium Fashion: Von Miller's $395 Shirt, Pernell McPhee's Explosive Hood, and Tom Brady Playing

By Tim Ryan
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One of the most convenient platforms for an NFL player to expand that all-important personal brand is at the postgame podium, where answering bland questions can also double as an opportunity to showcase their fashion sensibilities and personality to millions of fans and #brands across the globe.

Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does NOT. These are their stories.

Unfortunate BYE Weeks

Johnny Football, Rob Ryan (forever), Eli Manning’s Face, and Big Ben

This is blatant proof that the NFL hates each and every one of us. Just look at this group. It’s completely unfair — and frankly criminal — that such a colorful golf foursome all had the day off.

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Pernell McPhee

I never thought anyone on the Bears would come close to stealing Jay Cutler’s unique thunder, but here we are. This is just spectacular. Pernell McPhee found his moment, owned the moment, and kept the entire city of Chicago warm with his all-encompassing hood.

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Andy Dalton 

I would imagine after awhile, Andy Dalton’s overactive eyebrows get tired of doing so much heavy lifting. My gut feeling is that one day they’ll join forces with one another to become a unibrow just to get back at him. As for his choice in ensemble, the jacket looks like it was hastily grabbed off a rack at some random store in Phoenix, a glaring indication of someone who forgot to pack their clothes.

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Marcus Mariota

Marcus Mariota finally wore a suit that matched his all too familiar grieving demeanor. But hey, let’s give credit where credit is due — had I lost to the Jags, I probably would’ve attacked myself with a can of mace.

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Von Miller

What’s dumber: A t-shirt that costs $395 or the sea of $100 bills that serve as the background on Darren Rovell’s twitter page? As you might’ve guessed, this is a trick question.

Oh wow, that $395 shirt goes perfectly with that show-stopping headgear. This man is a hero and a fashion ICON.

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Jay Cutler

Jay Cutler had an unfortunate sneezing moment at the podium. But to his credit, he showed tremendous poise and snapped right back into a highly intense version of Blue Steel. That’s no easy feat.

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DeAndre Hopkins

This is a really cool look if you do not live in Houston, where it is 64 degrees, and your key source of fashion inspiration was birthed through Randy and Ralphie.

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Russell Wilson

Russell Wilson once again set the gold standard on how to dress like a professional, but the dude just seems bored. Perhaps Hollywood Russ has aspirations beyond the football field? Nothing would make me happier.

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Dez Bryant

Confirmed: Dez Bryant’s favorite character from The Sopranos was hunting guru, Bobby Bacala.

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J.J. Watt

J.J. Watt is the first one in and the last one out during his weekly sitdowns with his stylist. While he is playing off the “I’m just a bro like you” look very well, this outfit has been planned for weeks.

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Blake Bortles

Blake Bortles, devout lover of free team merchandise, is the guy that wildly raises his hand on an airplane when a stewardess announces they have a few extra bags of Fritos. I have absolutely no doubt he is the worst tipper in the entire NFL.

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Kirk Cousins

Kirk Cousins and his super confusing hairline has betrayed the Redskins QB almost as harshly as ‘Skins fans turned their backs on RGIII.

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The Jaguars

Even when the Jags win, the Jags lose. GREAT PHOTO, guys.

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Todd Gurley

This is one hell of a platform for one of the most impressive rookie running backs in the last decade. The St. Louis Rams definitely know what they’re doing.

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Joe Flacco

This is Joe Flacco either reflecting on a season-ending injury, a Super Bowl win, good sex, or great soup. Who the hell knows. The Ravens QB is by far the most puzzling mammal in all of sports.

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Jadeveon Clowney

This is Joe Flacco either reflecting on a season-ending injury, a Super Bowl win, good sex, or great soup. Who the hell knows. The Ravens QB is by far the most puzzling mammal in all of sports.

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Jadeveon Clowney

This is how it’s done, my friends. Ed Reed, much like myself, is Team Scarf.

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Matthew Stafford

Winning two games in a row is a pretty big deal for the Detroit Lions and Matt Stafford. Of even greater significance is his insistence on wearing comfortable, hangover-friendly sweatshirts. To be fair, this is what all of us look like on Sunday.

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Blaine Gabbert!

Wearing team apparel from top to bottom and drinking water as a way to stall for extra time in order to concoct a response is the sign of a guy who should probably be your backup quarterback.

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Coby Fleener

FACT: No one on the Indianapolis Colts has worn a suit since Peyton Manning left. And yes, that includes Jim Irsay and his midlife crisis jeans.

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Matt Ryan

No matter how stylish his attempts might be, Matt Ryan always looks like a guy interviewing for a job that he knows he has zero chance of getting. Complete mess.

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Aaron Rodgers

Aaron Rodgers thankfully snapped out of his serial killer trance, something winning tends to do. Sadly, he’s still sporting the always awful white undershirt look with his button-downs. For the love of logic, please escape 1992, dude.

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Matt Hasselbeck

The veteran QB could’ve drawn a set of balls on his chin with a Sharpie and looked just as spiffy.

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Brock Osweiler

Brock Osweiler did all the necessary things, but just look at that crowd. One guy is asleep — or possibly dead — another dude appears to be protecting his head for reasons I cannot explain, and the fella standing up looks like a disgruntled Harrison Ford trying to memorize his lines. Just a wild scene for the great Brock Osweiler.

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Tom Brady

He doesn’t play until tonight, but Sir Thomas has quite clearly lost his focus. Say goodnight, ring No. 5. On the bright side, yaaaaaaaaaaay, a doggy in a giant pile of leaves!

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Jim Tomsula

The only time a phantom arm enters a press conference is one that involves Jim Tomsula, who’s perpetually confused by his game notes each time he takes the podium. Anything and everything about this man is absolutely hysterical.

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Cam Newton

Well, we all know what happened here. Pretty inventive keychain. Or bowling ball buffer. Whatever. I do love the scarf, though. #Scarfing #ScarfSeason

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Bonus Round

Enjoy your lunch.

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Really interesting info. Now please don’t ever do this again. Anyone following an official NFL team account expecting NASCAR news also likely owns a hard cover copy of “Masturbating for Dummies.”

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Do you have plans of escaping Sad Michael Jordan? Best of luck with that.

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"Michael Jordan sad face pic.twitter.com/JsvosZYFAr"

— Brett (@BrettRettig) October 17, 2015

No, seriously. Good luck.

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