Sepp Blatter is a walking joke. Perhaps he’s not even a real person.
The latest chapter of Blatter’s Walter Mitty in reverse routine came in the wake of an E:60 piece that uncovered he hasn’t set foot in the United States since 2011 due to an FBI investigation. Blatter’s bumbling cronyism and bureaucratic idiocy is well documented — and lamented. Unfortunately, it appears he’ll be elected, again, to run FIFA later this month which will be a triumph for bribery and corruption; a loss for everyone else.
Blatter’s actions running FIFA are often so ludicrous and asinine they’d make the hackiest Hollywood James Bond wannabe-villain blush, so with that in mind, let’s play a game…
Movie Villain, Real-Life Despot or Sepp Blatter?
1. Once claimed he invented the question mark. At the same press conference he accused chestnuts of being lazy.
2. Shot multiple holes-in-one during his first try at the game. He reportedly aced five holes and finished 38 under par on the golf course.
3. Elected president of The World Society of Friends of Suspenders, an organization founded to fight women wearing pantyhose instead of stockings.
4. In the mid-80s, attempted to create a so-called “Weather Dominator” that could control Mother Nature.
5. Once said, “The people that cast votes decide nothing. The people that count votes decide everything.”
6. Commissioned a $32 million film to extol his own greatness and virtues, with his part played by Mr. Orange (Tim Roth).
7. Was once quoted as saying, “It’s not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas, and thinking.”
8. He takes credit for inventing the piano key neck tie.
9. Suggested female athletes could promote themselves better by wearing tighter shorts.
10. Once said, “We take (blank) from the corrupt! The rich! The oppressors of generations who have kept you down with myths of opportunity, and we give it back to you… the people. (Blank) is yours.”
11. He is a Knight in the French Legion of Honour.
12. After smoking heavily at a young age, became an ardent non-smoking advocate, even offering Swiss gold watches as gifts to friends who could also quit smoking.
13. When speaking of a fiscally dishonest scandal: “I could understand it if it had happened in Africa, but not in Italy.”
14. Once planned to eliminate most of the human race, saving a selection of humanity in an space station before returning back to Earth for re-population.
15. Works out of an underground war room, because “Places where people make decisions should only contain indirect light because the light should come from the people themselves who are assembled there.”
16. Previously worked for two years as a building contractor.
17. One of his former trusted allies would often go out in public with a parrot on his shoulder.
18. Lives in a lavish, 1,200-room palace and owns 5,000 cars.
19. He has been compared to Jesus and Nelson Mandela in the same sentence.
20. Commissioned the construction of elaborate, useless temples in impoverished areas on multiple continents, resulting in billions of dollars worth of expenses and a death toll that could total in the thousands.
1. Movie villain — Dr. Evil, Austin Powers International Man of Mystery.
2. Real life despot — Kim Jong-il.
3. Sepp Blatter.
4. Movie villain — Destro from the old G.I. Joe cartoon, although Blatter was apparently unaware how hot it gets in Qatar during the summer months and one of the initial plans for the 2022 World Cup stadiums included high-tech in-stadium air conditioning, which will likely be scrapped with the tournament moving to the winter months.
5. Real life despot — Josef Stalin.
6. Sepp Blatter, here’s the trailer for United Passions:
7. Movie villain — Gaston, Beauty and the Beast.
8. Movie villain — Mugatu, Zoolander.
9. Sepp Blatter … sigh. This is the guy who claimed to the be “godfather” to the women’s game earlier this month and infamously suggested female players should dress sexier to increase the game’s appeal.
10. Movie villain — Bane, The Dark Knight. (Swap in “Gotham”)
11. Sepp Blatter — He owns many honorary titles according to Wikipedia.
12. Real-life despot — Adolf Hitler.
13. Sepp Blatter — On Match-fixing.
14. Movie villain — Hugo Drax, Moonraker. Blatter did once talk about his plan for an interplanetary World Cup.
15. Sepp Blatter — That’s apparently a real-quote about FIFA headquarters in Zurich.
16. Movie villain — Vincent Ludwig, Naked Gun
17. Sepp Blatter — Chuck Blazer, a former U.S. Soccer broker, became an informant for the FBI per the Daily News last year.
18. Real-life despot — The Sultan of Brunei.
19. Sepp Blatter — Sigh.
20. Sepp Blatter — Qatar.
As always with Blatter, unless you’re inside his circle of trust — you lose!