MLB Midseason Awards, and Some Other Stuff
By Tim Ryan
AL MVP — Jose Bautista: A batting average of .334 to go along with 31 home runs, 65 RBIs, 73 runs scored, 5 stolen bases and a bulging OPS of 1.170. Yes, those stolen bases mattered. Considering he’s put up such hefty numbers in 84 games, there’s no reason to think he can’t at least match what he did last year — which was ridiculous in its own right — so long as he stays healthy. Sure, the Blue Jays are in third place, two games under .500, but I’d hate to see how ugly it would be without his contributions. I’d also hate to see how pretty it would be without Frank Frank’s contributions. Adrian Gonzalez happens to be experiencing a wonderful season for the Red Sox, but his surrounding parts are far superior to what Bautista has been setup with in Toronto, so as of right now, it would be difficult to say there’s a more valuable player to their team than Jose Bautista. Take him away from that franchise and the Jays lose their tits and suddenly spout a sea of zits.
NL MVP — Jose Reyes: Come on, sing it with me… Jose, Jose-Jose-Jose, Jooooo-se, Jooo-o-se! I admittedly used to love that chant back when Shea Stadium still existed and Mets fans still had a pulse. Those were enlightening times. I look forward to the day Citi Field has its first “come alive” moment, and I mean that. The place desperately needs to pop its cherry, but onto MVP talk. As you’re well aware, Reyes is on the DL and will hopefully be returning to the lineup this coming Monday because he has been nothing short of a James Lipton dee-light this season. Contract year? Of course it’s a contract year. Who knows what he’ll bring to the table once he gets cozy inside a seven-year contract for $140 million. Fortunately though, right now none of that matters. The man is having an amazing year. Before getting dinged up, he was on pace for 27 triples, which would have been the highest total since 1912. He also has 22 doubles, 30 stolen bases, 65 runs scored and a batting average of .354. He’s doing everything. Why didn’t I pick Matt Kemp, who has been absolutely raking in an otherwise shit-on-a-burning-tire lineup? Because he allowed Rihanna’s hulking forehead to get inside his head last year. Not really, but it’s fun to use that as a reason for his subpar performance. Actually, I did not realize Kemp already has 30 stolen bases. He’s filling up the stat sheet like Scottie Pippen. Probably best we move on.
NL Cy Young — Roy Halladay: Doc had 19 starts before the All-Star break and went six or more innings in all of them. In 16 of those starts, he went at least seven innings. He’s had one forgettable outing. The guy has consistently been the model of consistency for a starting pitcher, in fact, he’s so tirelessly consistent I’ve been forced to use the word consistent four times in one sentence. Case closed. Having said that, it wouldn’t be fair not to mention Jar-Jar Jurrjens, but remember he is behind Doc by about 33 innings, so let’s not get too crazy.
AL Rookie of the Year — Eduardo Nunez: Relax, that was just a joke. This was pretty easy though. It’s Seattle starter Michael Pineda and not all that close. He leads the AL with nine strikeouts per nine innings and leads all AL rookies in innings, strikeouts and opponents’ average.
NL Rookie of the Year — Danny Espinosa: Craig Kimbrel has 28 saves in 33 chances but Nats rookie second baseman Danny Espinosa has greatly assisted in their unexpected surge to normalcy, hitting 16 homers, driving in 53, and stealing 12 bases. Defensively he has the same amount of errors (6) as All-World second baseman Robinson Cano. Right here is where someone points out that Kimbrel has struck out nearly twice as many men (70) as he has allowed to reach base (48), followed by someone voicing that an everyday player is more impactful to their team than a relief pitcher, which will then be closely followed by a ladder match for the ages.
AL Manager of the Year — Manny Acta: The Indians are relevant and just half a game out of first place. Unless the Tribe plays so poorly in the second half that they have no choice but to replace the infield dirt at The Jake with Beefarino, every single vote should be for Manny Acta.
NL Manager of the Year — Clint Hurdle: The Buccos are back! Enough said. But if your vote is for Kirk Gibson, I wouldn’t exactly be able to say you’re wrong.
Free Agent Steal — Bloat-olo Colon: Despite looking like a bloated bullfrog that might snare a fly out of the air at any given moment, Bartolo Colon has surprised everyone and made Brian Cashman look like a genius, especially when coupled with the fruitful Freddy Garcia signing. He’s hit a bit of a speedbump as of late, but there’s no denying that he was the best pitcher on the Yankees staff before his trip to the DL. Anyone who says they predicted that is full of more horseshit than Roger Clemens and Lionel Hutz combined.
Free Agent Trainwreck — Adam Dunn: When you are featured in a post entitled “Adam Dunn and the Worst Designated Hitter Seasons in MLB History,” chances are sky high that you’ve been more disappointing than Caddyshack II.
Funnest Storyline — Pittsburgh Pirates: Andrew McCutchen and the improbable Pirates are actually in the mix in the NL Central, sitting just one game (seriously, one game!) back of the division lead. After 19 straight seasons of losing misery there are few people, if any, not rooting for good things to happen to this team. It’s a fun, fresh storyline for everyone to enjoy, which is kind of rare. Seriously, after being so comically awful for so many years, does anyone actually hate the Pirates? PNC Park has been packed in recent weeks which is, in a word, awesome. Pirates rally train? Sure. I’ll take that with a side of acid and a slice of pizza topped with shrooms:
Funniest Player — Ryan Franklin: He tweeted Undies Albert during spring training and proceeded to have one of the most amusing stretches of relief appearances in recent memory. Sadly, his comedy act with the Cardinals came to an abrupt halt on June 28. If he ever catches on with another team, his entrance music should be “How Much Is That Doggie In The Window.”
Funniest Retirement — Manny Ramirez: Remember this dude? I had already forgotten about the guy. He’s certainly missed, yet somehow completely forgotten, if that makes any sense. I wonder if his retirement will be similar to Larry Johnson’s in that he’ll completely disappear for years. When Larry retired from the NBA, it was ages before he was seen anywhere by anyone. Perhaps, if we’re lucky, he’ll be thrown on the Baseball Tonight panel.
[Photos via Getty]