Yet another in-arena debacle last night has sports fans earnestly wondering if the spate of fan-player incidents is a coincidence emblematic of a larger society broken by a prolonged pandemic and struggling to re-socialize — or even something darker. Despite a week of seeing the swift and complete punishments for similar offenders, a Boston Celtics fan decided to hurl a water bottle at the head of Brooklyn Nets' superstar Kyrie Irving, who was making his way to the tunnel after helping his team secure a commanding 3-1 series lead. The fan was swiftly identified and arrested.
Condemnation was thorough and immediate with both Irving and his teammate Kevin Durant expressing a general exasperation with this string of nonsense. Their outrage was shared by most clear-thinking observers, but a boisterous bothsideism emerged as it always does to point out that Irving also shouldered some of the blame for the incident because he stomped on the Celtics logo at midcourt after the game.
Since these things are evidently the same, we thought it prudent to hear the logo's side of the story here to ensure all victims of last night's regrettable ugliness are represented. It takes great courage to speak out at a time like this so it was no surprise that the logo chose words carefully.
The Big Lead: What a night, huh?
The Big Lead: A lot of people weren't aware that logos had feelings. What does it feel like to have someone's foot touch your inanimate head after several hours of other people doing the exact same thing?
The Big Lead: Look, everyone understands that fan is short for fanatic. But what do you think it says about someone if they are willing to defend your honor with violence? Don't you bear some sort of responsibility to tone down the rhetoric?
The Big Lead: The irony in all of this is that Irving has previously been a staunch advocate for things being both circular and flat. Do you feel a bit betrayed?
The Big Lead: Is there anything else you want the world to know?
Celtics logo: Yes. My name is Patrick O'Leary. I had a wife and six children. I was born in 1893. I tended bar in Charlestown. The last thing I remember was getting dizzy and falling down stairs. I must have slipped into a parallel universe or into a portal of hell because when I came to, I was trapped inside this logo. Every day I pray to be released from this prison. Please, if anyone out there can help me, put me out of my misery. Makes this go away.
Editor's Note: This article is either parody or farce. We think.