Jerry Jones Really Has Something Cooking Tonight, Doesn't He?

Kyle Koster
Tom Pennington/Getty Images
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Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones is the definition of a wild card. He's like Charlie Kelly if the fictional cheese enthusiast had billions of dollars and owned the NFL's sexiest franchise. There have been times in the past when the owner has been forced to reconsider a somewhat impulsive decision *ahem, Johnny Manziel* on draft night. But, oooh baby, is he ever going to let it all hang out tonight.

Jones will be doing all the drafting solo like a very big boy. He joked about the set-up in the devilish way a teen might talk about an upcoming weekend when his parents were traveling to an out-of-state wedding and were going to let him stay home alone against their better judgement.

“One of the things I’m not going to miss is when I came out of those draft rooms over the weekend, my old shins used to have big old bruises on them,” Jones said. “That was from Stephen kicking me under the table for three straight days relative to some of our decision-making. I know that we have a serious conference here, but I think I’m going to kind of miss that physical punching that goes on. I told him one time, I asked him where he got his strength when he was 16 years old, he had his uncle down, about to kill him, choked him. He was a big boy, that uncle. And I said, ‘I don’t feel that when I’m rasslin with you.’ He said, ‘Well, you don’t squeeze your daddy as hard as you can.’ The point is, I’m going to miss a little of that punching around at the table as we’re conducting this draft.”

Alright, that all sounds very on-brand and not too surprising. Surely, though, he'll be checking in periodically with his scouting department and other football brains to take their temperature on who he should be selecting.

Oh. Oh well.

Why would you want to operate in a completely different silo from your scouting department on the one night of the year they are most important? I really don't know. But ol' Jerry sounds like he really has something cooking tonight.

It feels like the type of situation where a robe is involved. Maybe the good scotch. A Hank Williams record. Whatever he's into.

To be fair, things could go swimmingly and America's Team could emerge better than ever. Or, you know, Jones could trade Ezekiel Elliott for a fourth-rounder and naming rights to a local highway. Everything is on the board.

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