Holiday season is here in full force. We here at The Big Lead were so inspired by the transparency on display from Vogue that we've decided to share our plans for the season with the you, our dear readers.
Here's some highlights from their survey, which certainly revealed a certain lifestyle.
Without further ceremony, here are the chestnuts and bolts:
I will not be spending Christmas with any family members, and will instead be traversing the various youth hockey rinks of suburban Massachusetts to observe Hockey Dads in their natural habitats as they scream and yell at both their children and part-time refs. The icy chill of metal bleachers and permeating scent of sweat always seems to sort me out after the excesses of living in New York City. I embark upon this journey not only to understand these fascinating specimen, but also to glean a deeper sense of self this holiday season.
Having already celebrated one family Christmas this season, I'll be traveling with my family. I'll be on the road, zig-zagging between my wife's family estates, which is what I don't actually call her parents' and grandparents' homes. My children will be opening all of the finest presents while I practice a fabulous re-toxification process called "drinking." It's the best, I've found - and I've done my research. The highlight will be a few solitary moments in a secluded room where I will close my eyes and swear quietly about the most recent Lego I stepped on.
I'll be in New York City, specifically at The Plaza Hotel, after mistaking a stranger from my dad and getting on the wrong flight. That's right, it's happening again. I'm looking forward to ordering $967 worth of room service, coyly outsmarting the staff, and perhaps catching something at Carnegie Hall from the pigeon-perched rafters. There is always something spiritually invigorating in rekindling old rivalries with recently escaped prisoners and setting up increasingly violent booby traps with which to foil them.
My life-partner and I are fully embracing typical holiday traditions this year. Our fridge is stocked with prosecco and caviar, while the fireplace is packed with pounds of Palo Santo wood to help combat the chill of a San Diego winter. On Christmas Day, she'll be spending the afternoon detoxing at the Park Hyatt Aviara, while I have our shaman over to cleanse our apartment of the negative spirits accumulated during the past 12 months. We'll spend the rest of our Christmas evening updating our vision boards with an eye towards 2020.
This time of year is about family, presents, and not waking up before 8 a.m. But that also means watching the NFL season winding down and preparing for another offseason where the Lions aren't coming off a Super Bowl win. The next two weeks are my time to catch up on mafia movies, teach people not to wear two AirPods at once, explain the truth about ratings, and looking awkwardly at the people eating cheeseburgers in public (doesn't happen anymore).