Game of Thrones: "The Winds of Winter" Recap

Stephen Douglas

So, was this Lemonade? I heard it was some empowering female stuff, but never watched it. Did HBO actually show this months ago? I’m just glad that this season of Game of Thrones constantly reminds me of Danny Trejo’s bartender in Anchorman, constantly reminding viewers that girls can do stuff now.

Law & Order: King’s Landing – This was a very unusual musical score from the beginning. We should have known. The High Sparrow should have known. But then again, F that guy.

Cersei (pt 1) – When you start the episode getting suited up for a starring role in the Rhythm Nation you know stuff is about to get real. This was Cersei’s Baptism of Blackfire.

Maester Pycell – RIP. Get money, f— b—— to the very end. Don’t hate the maester, hate the game [of thrones].

Loras Tyrell – RIP. Not certain full confession was the best plan.

Margaery – RIP. This was her big plan? Total submission. What a disappointing end to such a beautiful character.

Mace Tyrell – RIP. Drew Rosenhaus’ father-in-law’s run as the most useless patriarch in Westeros finally comes to an end.

Lancel – RIP. What exactly was he hoping to accomplish by following the small child into the tunnel? What if that had just been some poor kid? How was this part of Cersie’s plan? And what if he had blown out the candles. This was certainly a dumb part of the plan!


Septa Unella – RIP. Probably? Guess it doesn’t matter. As people celebrate Unella’s demise, they know she’s about to be repeatedly raped by The Mountain, right?

King Tommen – RIP. First of his name, first in flight. If Cersei had known what she was doing, she would have set him up with a nice girl as soon as Margaery went to religious jail. There was no way this kid was going to take this well. He had just converted for her. Oh well. Hopefully, this brings back Ser Pounce with his own revenge list.

Arya (pt 1) – So, that’s Arya pouring wine for Bronn and Jaime. Neither of them are on her list.

Walder Frey – Just win.

Jaime (pt 2) – He seems frustrated. Joining Brienne to help Sansa seems like the only thing that would make him happy.

Cersei (pt 2) – The prophecy has come true. All her children are dead. Now she’s queen though. About to fight another queen. Winner gets the White Walkers. Seriously, when do we meet the Night Queen? Odds it’s Lyanna Stark?

Citadel Receptionist – What is this, the DMV? Heh. Get it?

Sam – Why is he so awkward? And what’s he plan to do with Gilly and little Sam? Don’t think they’re getting past that guy. Does it matter? I’m guessing the entire point on Sam being here is so that he can discover some ancient hidden text that reveals how to defeat the White Walkers and save the Seven Kingdoms. Maybe Gilly or the baby knocks it off a shelf three stories in the air and it hits him on the head?

Jon Snow (pt 1) – Like Walder Frey, but a better fighter? The Vale playing the role of the Lannisters.

Melissandre and Davos – These two never got along. He was an onion pirate. She was a fire priestess. He treated his friend’s daughter like his own. She suggested she be burned alive as a sacrifice. They did everything but paint a line down the middle of Winterfell! Now Melissandre rides south until she meets… Dany? I feel like the fire god would be a big fan of the lady re-born from fire who has three dragons. Seems like a good fit.

Sansa – “Sorry all those people died because I didn’t want to have a mildly awkward conversation where I would have told you we were definitely going to win that battle.”

Winter Is Here (pt 2) – So someone in The Citadel, thousands of miles south, determines when Winter has officially arrived? They know it’s been snowing up there for the entire 6 years we’ve been watching, right? If Winter isn’t on a schedule like it is on our calendar, I’d expect the lord of Winterfell to be the one to determine when Winter officially begins.

Queen of Thornes – She was mean when things were going well. She definitely will not suffer any fools now.

Ellaria Sand – Dorne has pledged for House Targaryn. And brought the remaining Tyrelle’s into the fold.

Varys – “Fire and blood.”

Daario – Dumped. I guess being in charge of the Bay of Dragons is a decent consolation prize.

Dany – OK. OKAY! We are finally ready! Ships done. Army gathered. Dragons grown. Boyfriend dumped. She’s ready to head off to college.

Tyrion – “How about the fact that this is actually happening?” Ha! Just 11-months or so until it actually happens. Probably. Unless they get lost. When they hit shore in episode 6 next season it will be epic. Hopefully his pin doesn’t fall off between now and then. (That was a cool little moment.)

Walder Frey (pt 2) – RIP. Gross old man right to the very end.

Arya (pt 2) – The list grows shorter. At first I thought she was a Lannister assassin. When she reached to pull off her face, that was a great moment. Still not sure how Arya’s revenge plot will fit into the big Cold vs. Warm war, but it’s certainly enjoyable revenge porn.

Littlefinger – Always the bridesmaid. Never the guy marrying a Stark. Can’t decide if he’s Milhouse after Lisa Simpson, Steve Urkel after Laura Winslow, etc. Has anyone here seen Undateable? Littlefinger is Burski. Yeah. That’s the kind of pop culture reference you’ve come to appreciate.

Sansa (pt 2) – She had her last husband eaten alive by his own dogs. I’m not sure anything can intimidate her now.

Benjen – Bye! It was fun seeing you! Hope you randomly show up sometime in the future!

Bran – I can’t be the only one just repeating “Don’t f— it up” the entire time he’s on screen. But now we know…

Young Ned Stark – Littlefinger told us Jon is a bastard from the south and then we see that Jon is the son of Lyanna Stark. Of course, they had to pull the bullshit Lost in Translation indecipherable whisper, but context clues should tell us that Jon is the son of Rhaegar. So Dany is his… aunt? Wonder if they’ll find out before the wedding. I’ll let a maester figure that one out.

I really hope Bran flashes back to the conversation between Ned and Catelyn where he explains he’s fathered a child.

Lyanna Mormont – Her legend grows. She’s the best Hollywood bear since the one that starred in The Edge. I just love that all these gruff aduo lt males watch and hear her speak and they’re like, “Yup. I’ll follow her lead.” They effed over the Starks after a thousand years, but she took 30-seconds to bring them back.

Jon Snow (pt 2) – The new King in the North is actually from the south.

Littlefinger (pt 2) – Well, shit buddy. They don’t seem to care about you.

Jaime (pt 2) – Cersei obviously did not run this one by her brother. Who probably thinks she killed their last child.

Cersei (pt 2) – Queen C.

Dany (pt 2)  – Yet again we end the season with some epic imagery from Daenerys. This time she’s totally going to do something!

Tyrion, Missandei, Varys, Yara, Theon, Dragons, Dothraki, Iron Born, Boats – Everybody hold that pose for 11 months!