Game of Thrones: "The Red Woman" Recap

By Stephen Douglas

Obviously, the women of Game of Thrones were inspired and empowered by HBO’s repeat showing of Lemonade before last night’s premier. With the exception of the Mother of Dragons, there were a lot of ladies stepping up tonight or at least setting up for a big season. It’s good to be back.

Jon Snow – Status: DEAD. There are a lot of questions following last night’s episode. The biggest is whether Jon Snow is coming back. The second has to be how no one heard the mob murdering the Lord Commander in the middle of the Castle Black training center / lobby. Davos wasn’t even asleep when this happened. Presumably he’d been sitting on his bed the entire time.

Castle Black – Considering this is basically a military outpost on the edge of the civilized world, the guest accommodations are quite impressive. Melisandre and Davos are basically unemployed guests, killing time before they go home and they both have very comfortable rooms.

Melisandre – She is shook. Her last king is dead. Her visions seem false. She is struggling from the field right now, but she’s got to keep shooting. Keep taking those shots. Bring back Jon Snow!

Dolorous Edd – Is Edd our final remaining member of The Night’s Watch Training Camp Class of 2011?

Alliser Throne – “I followed all my orders. It’s not MY FAULT that the Lord Commander never specifically said not to kill him! If he had given that order, I totally would have followed it. Make the Night’s Watch Great Again!”

Davos – The man needs a king to follow and since Stannis is dead he’s latched right onto the nearest dead guy.

Miranda – She smelled of dog. I’m willing to bet Ramsay said that to her face a time or two.

Ramsay – He lost his wife and his girlfriend. Does this mean it’s time for America to find him sympathetic?

Reekon/Theek – A song for Theon and Sansa.

Sure, Theon is dead (What is dead may never die.), but Reek is turning it around. I mean, his escape plan was total shit, but he’s trying! He’s trying to so hard! He even killed a guy!

Brienne – The last few people she swore to protect didn’t do so well so hopefully this time is the charm! Super badass entrance.

Pod – The twice-daily sword lessons are paying off already. Plus he knows all of the oath words. He’s the total package. (Sorry)

Sansa – LET’S GO STARKS! This is a start!

Cersei – Speaking of the timeline… Cersei’s hair certainly grew in overnight, eh?

Jaime – For a moment when he was telling Cersei that they are the only ones who matter and that they would take back everything that was theirs, you almost forget how awful they both are.

“She was nothing like me. No meanness, no jealousy, just good.”

“I know.”

Its hard to dig a whole with one hand, but Jaime is trying.

Margaery – She seems to be handling the black cells beneath the red keep much better than Cersei did. Must be all the marathon training they let her out for.

Septa Unella – Confess. Oh, by the way, this is Septa Unella.

Prince Doran – RIP. I guess? Didn’t really care about this guy.

Ellaria Sand – Another woman rising to power with revenge on her mind. This is going to be a big year for the ladies of GoT.

Sand Snakes – Weren’t they all on the dock when the boat left? Did someone drop them off on Trystane’s boat in King’s Landing after their acting lessons?

Trystane Martell – He was too pretty for this world anyway.

Areo Hotah – In case you never caught it – I never did – that’s the name of Prince Doran’s big, intimidating bodyguard. The captain of the Martell family guard. The guy who was killed by 4-feet of rage with a knife while his prince was murdered next to him.

Tyrion – Seems he and Varys will spend a good portion of this season wandering around Meereen, waxing philosophical about what makes the poor and the rich dislike each other so much.

Jorah – Cut off your damn arm at the elbow you jackass. Also, nice find of that needle in a haystack / breadcrumb / ring. Maybe this world isn’t so big after all.

Dany – She tried her usual “I am the terror that flaps in the night” routine and instead of buying her freedom, she’s headed for the Dosh khaleen. I just hope they have Khal Moro have multiple arguments with her where he says “It’s a retirement community” in Dothraki.

Dothraki Peanut Gallery – If they remake High Fidelity in Essos, this would be a good discussion.

Arya – So, it seemed that things were awful for her – and they certainly look it – but this is more of a blindfolded ninja training thing. I was worried she would be kicked out of the The League of Braavos, but this just appears to be part of a girl becoming no one.

Davos (pt 2) – He’s a glutton for your mutton. With the dark cloud of Stannis out of his life, Davos certainly seems to have come alive. He’s much less serious, even faced with death while trapped in the same room as a dead body and four guys he doesn’t really know.

Melisandre (pt 2) – GoT has a penchant for moments that cause a bit of a reaction. Last night was basically “holy crap a naked old lady!” night on Twitter. The title of the episode was “The Red Woman,” but we now know that there is much more to the Red priestess. She’s old! And next week, Davos will give her a speech and  she’ll bring back Jon Snow and the Wildlings will return and we’ll pretty much wrap this whole story up and then move on.