Game of Thrones: "The Rains of Castamere" Recap

Stephen Douglas

Valar Morghulis.

And holy shit.

I was warned about The Rains of Castamere – as I’m sure many of the non-book readers were. After the last episode, I was eating with a friend who had made the mistake of reading about the episode online. He didn’t give me any details except to say that it would include “The Red Wedding.” Oh no. And I’m sure many book-readers were telling people to make sure to watch the episode and avoid the Internet at all costs. I’m sure that left many viewers with the feeling of dread in their stomachs hoping for a badass win for the Starks, but fearing for the worst.

Alas… I’ll split this into two sections. First, we’ll talk all the characters that nobody gives a shit about right now because RED WEDDING YOU GUYS. And then we’ll just sit quietly and whimper for the second half. Also, early apologies for all the gifs. This one is a browser-crasher.

Sam and Diane Gilly – Man, home-schooled kids can be so simple. Sam is using his book-learnin’ and rudimentary navigation skills to guide Gilly and … I hear the name Little Ned Stark is available if they still haven’t agreed on a name… her child to safety and in the process, he is impressing his new lady friend. As for Gilly, maybe don’t mention the fact that you were told no one who looks upon the wall lives? Might as well say you’ll be right back in a scary movie.

Bran – So Bran keeps getting more and more special. I think they might have been making too big a deal of Bran taking control of Hodor’s mind, but what do I know? I’m no warg. He was so close to Jon Snow. He can control direwolves and Hodor, but without legs he can’t look out a window and see his brother. This was a rough episode for people rooting for Stark family reunions.

Rickon – Who gave him lines!? Seriously though. As we lose two more Starks, the only remaining Starks that are together are separating. I can’t imagine how a Rickon / Osha / Hodor storyline will play out. On the one hand, Rickon will have to speak. On the other hand, Hodor.

Grey Worm, Daario and Jorah Mormont – What does Dany need an army for again? Or ships? These there could probably kick the shit out of the sea.

Hodor – Like Boomer, the stray husky my family took in when I was a kid, Hodor does not like thunder and lightning.

Ygritte – What a way to get dumped. You know nothing of a scorned ginger wildling woman scorned, Jon Snow. “I’m Jon Snow and this is how I break up with my girlfriend. Dur dur dur!

The Hound – Good thing he likes pig’s feet or he and Arya might both be dead.

The Red Wedding

Somehow not the most awkward wedding of the season!

Walder Frey – What a dick. He seemed like such a nice old man. At first he told Robb Stark that he would have broken many oaths to be with Talisa. Then he handed a hot daughter (Hmm… Is it possible the Freys and Lannisters called this “Operation Hot Daughter?” Just a thought.) to Edmure and threw a kickass party and then had the wedding band play the Rains of Castamere and I am still in shock.

Roslin Frey – And where did she come from? Was she a real Frey? Must have been a non-purebred Lannister, right? The Trojan Virgin?

Brynden Tully – Did he survive because he was out pissing on a tree? I wouldn’t mind seeing him

Grey Wind – R.I.P. Another dire wolf killed by the Lannisters. The Westeros chapter of PETA should be all over their asses.

Arya Part 2: More dead family. While she didn’t see her brother and mother die, she was present again. And she saw a dire wolf die. And now The Hound has knocked her out and is taking her who knows where.

Little Ned Stark – R.I.P. Oof. Don’t name your kid Ned Stark.

Robb Stark – The King in the North is no more. And what a way to go. (The Red Wedding was loosely based on something that happened to the Black Douglas Clan of Scotland in the 1400’s. It’s like the Lannisters killed my family.) Robb thought he had a plan to show the Lannisters were vulnerable. What a miscalculation.

Warning: The comments are dark and full of terrors, i.e. SPOILERS. I haven’t said anything all season, but just, ya know, be cool down there folks. Don’t be a Walder Frey.

Reactions – Someone put together a compilation of people reacting to The Red Wedding. Even though I knew something was coming, I was still shocked. I sat in silence with my mouth agape from the time the doors shut through the end of the credits. It was silent. It was sad. And I hope David Simon was watching.