Game of Thrones: "The House of Black and White" Recap


Game of Thrones is a television show that I really enjoy watching, but have you ever noticed that sometimes it takes people a long time to go a short distance or a short time to go a long distance? That’s the magic of television! Now here’s a quick recap of the second episode of Season 5 featuring a whole bunch of gifs.

Arya – Pt. 1 – Our first look at Arya this season. Her list is getting shorter, but she’s also having a tough time getting past the velvet rope and bouncer at the House of Black and White. Look to the cookie, Arya.

The Free City of Braavos – I assume this is exactly what Venice is like.

The House of Black and White – “You have everywhere else to go.” Woah. That’s deep, man.

Podrick – Robert Irvine agrees. This tavern probably just needs a facelift. Let me introduce you to my designer, Taniya and my builder, Tom… Strong episode for Pod. Comedy. Stunts. He was formulating some game to pick up the ale wench until his immutable sense of duty took over and he told Brienne that Sansa was in the house.

Lord Baelish – Aiden Gillan keeps acting like he’s playing to the people who don’t have a HBO Go Now Watch login. Have you watched 12 Rounds recently? This guy is the best.

Brienne – Do you like honor? She’s got so much Pod has to keep stealing horses to help carry it all. We saw how awesome a sword made of Valyrian steel can be when she destroyed those guards like they were essay topics on Last Week Tonight. Then she decided to follow Baelish and try to convince Sansa to let her guard her.

Sansa – “No thanks, I’ll stick with my creepy fake uncle.”

Cersei – Pt. 1 –  You realize that Cersei opened her gift from Dorne and then reconstructed it so that Jaime would have to do the same thing, right? No one ever said it didn’t take lots of hard work to be the Queen Bitch of the Seven Kingdoms.

Margaery – No Lady Mags? A wasted episode I say.

Jaime – Getting the team back together for one last job. Somebody get Spencer096. I need to write some Fast & Furious & Game & Thrones fan fic. I am excited for whatever he and Bronn do in Dorne, but missions like this sometimes end with people dead. What if they chop of Jaime’s other hand? At least his dad won’t be around to joke about it.

Bronn – I must have seen him in a commercial for an upcoming episode because as soon as Jaime said he wasn’t going alone, I shouted, “Bronn!” Yet another potentially great duo. I just feel bad that he lost his talkative betrothed. And he was about to formulate a plan to kill his future sister-in-law. Also pretty great to see how quickly and obviously smitten his betrothed became with Jaime.

Ellaria Sand – Did we know Oberyn’s lady friend’s name last season? She’s pretty intense. Though you know what they say about Dornish chicks. Cray-zay!  She is giving Littlefinger a run for the most acting.

Doran Martel – Prince Doran of Dorne. Doran Dorne. Also related?

Daario Naharis – Pulling out your dagger, stabbing it backwards through a wall and hitting a Son(s) of the Harpy in the thigh, causing him to fall through the wall onto the floor is the Seven Kingsdoms version of The Fonz turning on the jukebox.

Dany’s Council in unison: “I disagree with everything you’re doing. You should definitely not do this thing you want to do.”
Dany: “Your council has been greatly great and importantly important and wisely wise. We are definitely doing that thing.”

Varys and Tyrion – A eunuch creates a big, comfortable box, but Tyrion just wants to get out of it. Sometimes the jokes write themselves.

Cersei – Pt. 2 – Queen Bitch advising her surviving doofus son by giving sycophants cool positions in the kingdom. Masters of Whisperers should definitely be the new job title for anyone running a P.R. department in corporate America.

Kevan Lannister – The name looks and sounds like Kevin McCallister. This pleases me greatly. He’s a no-nonsense fellow like his brother. Too bad he won’t be sticking around to tell his niece to shut up.

Gilly – Shireen Baratheon should be nominated for some sort of teaching award.

Samwell – Hell of a campaign manager. Not afraid to run go negative with the campaign ads either. The only thing his roast of Janos Slynt was missing was Method Man behind him yelling, “GET ‘EM!

Jon Snow – Honor. Sullen. Telling it like it is. Beautiful hair. Now the 998th Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch.

Tim Tebow – In a deleted scene, Tebow was nominated as a fourth choice to be high commander of the Night’s Watch. Three Winters ago he and some more talented stewards made some great stew that took a lot of brothers by surprise. He hasn’t done anything since then, but people are still talking about it. The scene was deleted because it didn’t contain any foul language or nudity and everyone already knew it wasn’t going to go anywhere.

Arya – Pt. 2 – Apparently, in order to earn the right to enter the House of the Black and White Cookie, Arya had to kill a pigeon or something. I’m not 100% certain on why they didn’t just let her in in the first place. I’m sure spending the night reciting names in the rain was some kind of lesson, but a girl should not ask the questions.

Drogon – Hey! A dragon! Flying! I like how he came out of his room, almost talked to his mom and then immediately left. Time for Daenerys to free her other two teens, pack up her army and her council and find some damn boats. Or do another couple seasons of mother – dragon therapy. Mhysa! Advance the plot!

Season 5, Episode 1Game of Thrones: “The Wars to Come” Recap