Game of Thrones: Season 7 Preview


Game of Thrones returns this Sunday after a long layoff. A very long layoff. It’s been over a year since the season 6 finale. That was June 26, 2016. It was a simpler time, but boy if we could just go back. Who knows how many dead characters have had time to come back to life since then.

Do you remember what happened in the finale? I didn’t. Do you remember what happened in which seasons before that? I didn’t. I tried to catch the marathon on 4th of July weekend, but I just can’t stay up 72 straight hours or whatever it takes to do a full marathon. Not even on a holiday weekend. How is it that only ABC Family/Freeform was able to figure out how to run a proper marathon with Harry Potter? (Run until midnight. Start over at 7am. Repeat. (That’s right, I watch Harry Potter.)) Why has HBO2 not been non-stop Game of Thrones for the last month? Suicide Squad could have used the break.

Anyway, I caught a few random episodes and was reminded how much I liked Ned Stark, but most of all I remembered how much I enjoy this show. Even when it was spinning its wheels as the dumb Sand Snakes tried to fight or Tyrion was forced to have conversations with anyone but Bronn or Varys.

I am going to miss Game of Thrones when it is gone. A lot. It’s been said many times, but GoT might be the last event series. The last thing we all watch together or live in fear of spoilers.

(Oh, by the way, I have a child on the way in the next few weeks. I just know he’s coming on a Sunday night or a Monday morning. I’m going to become a father and it’s going to ruin a recap and I’m totally going to find out a favorite character has died while checking Twitter in a delirious sleepless state. Also, I’ll never be able to go to the movies again! Argh! #dadlife!)

Anywho, the houses have rested and are ready to begin the final battles for the future of Seven Kingdoms. Also, they’ll have to come together to fight the dead. I’m afraid the news in two months will be nothing but political intrigue. In the show I mean. Yes, the show. Here are the things I remember / assume will take place this season. Also, this is a good time to try and refresh my memory about how to spell most of these names. And if any of these thoughts/jokes/observations/predictions are recycled, it was unintentional.

Arya – Can see now. Has a name. Going to kill some people.

Tyrion – Will advise the shit out of Daenerys.

Bronn – I’m OK if he just retires and acts annoyed at being a lord for the rest of the series.

Dany – Back. Right? Dragons? Ships? Narrow Sea? Etc.?

Missandei – If anything happens to her, we riot.

Grey Worm – Eventually he gets his strength back and kills everyone. That would be cool.

Jorah – He’s still got Greyscale. What’s the over/under on how many times he quietly pulls up his sleeve and takes a look at it this season? If it’s 7 or less then I don’t think he’ll survive.

Davos – Long live the Onion Knight.

Cersei and Jaime – Shame? How many moons and stars ago was that? They’ve got the crown. I think. I also think I remember liking them again? Are we rooting for the Lannisters? I mean, assuming all the Starks die.

Mountain – Super Shredder Mountain.

Hound – Not sure I asked why they brought him back but I’m glad.

Jon Snow – Remember when he was dead, but everyone knew he was coming back to life because Kit Harrington’s hair is so beautiful?

Ramsay – Still dead I think. White Walker Ramsay would actually be kind of dull.

Night’s King – This guy is a dick. Really rooting against him because he doesn’t have any memorable catch phrases.

Sansa – Reunited with Jon, right? Will she finally find love?

Euron – There’s rooting for the best people and then there’s rooting for absolute chaos and badass talk-ery. Euron Greyjoy, alone on the Iron Islands after killing everyone else, saying ominous things to the Westerosi version of a volleyball is my ultimate series finale suggestion.

Theon – We like him again.

Yara – Girl power.

Samwell – Still getting it in at college I assume. Eventually he’ll crack open the perfect book and solve the entire show.

Brienne – Another favorite destined for 13 (or however many) more episodes of ass-kicking.

Pod – If Esquire Network still existed, I would watch a show about him touring the 7.

Littlefinger – He’ll help move things along, but he’s going to ultimately fail. Though he will help the good thing happen.

Bran – Very important. He’s going to do some important stuff. Most of it will be Inception style, but it’s still going to be very important. You could do an entire prequel next year through Bran. Show us everything. Never let GoT end. Please! PLEASE!

If I forgot anyone, oops. I know I did. (Tormund!) All that matters is that it was fun to write these stupid things again.