Game of Thrones Recap: "Mother's Mercy"

By Stephen Douglas

Well. Fuck. Reckon I’ll just spend the next 10 months listening to old Metallica and wondering why we put ourselves through this.

Stannis – Poor guy likes his dessert first. Unfortunately, he prefers it in the way that The Rock does, not in his men deserting because he burned his daughter at the stake. After that, it’s nothing but the damn veggies. Mutiny. Dead wife. Dead daughter. Roose Bolton coming out to meet him and kick his ass. Then killed by a woman because of the sins of his past. (You know, for killing his brother.)

Melisandre – Any stepmom should know that if you convince your new man to burn his daughter alive at the stake, he’s probably going to hold that against you.

Sam – I called Sam becoming a maester back in April. Now he’s gone. And everything is working out for Sam.

Stannis – This is me and everyone else rooting for the Cavs logging into Twitter this morning.

Brienne – Good job getting revenge for Renley. Great timing. Just wandering through the woods towards the end of a great battle.

Sansa – At least she’s alive? I guess this was the story that was supposed to have the happy ending of the season, but I just know that the Season 6 premiere will start with her landing in Ramsay’s arms and him saying something like, “Good thing I caught you my love. That could have been a nasty fall.” Then an ACME anvil falls on Reek’s head.

Ramsay – Still a dick. Don’t be surprised when Ramsay spends next season dealing with heartbreak and loss and we’re all rooting for him to find a good woman who appreciates him.

Myranda – Splat.

Reek – After all that happened to Theon, he’s still capable of coming up with a great plan on the run – jumping over a 200-foot wall into what may be a snowdrift!

Arya – I hate watching people get in trouble at work. So… now Arya is going to spend the rest of the series blind? Is that what is happening? Dammit this show is depressing.

Jaqen H’ghar – Sigh. We’ll always have this.

Jaime – Hey! Everything is working out! His daughter knows she’s his daughter. Then she dies from the old poison lipstick trick. Also, the whole Cersei storyline. Things were so much easier when we didn’t like The King Slayer.

Sand Snakes – ACTING!

Myrcella – RIP. Fun fact the girl who played Myrcella (this season) was 15-year old Nell Tiger Free. Nell. Tiger. Free.

Tyrion – So, now he’s in charge of Meeren which appears to be inhabited by 50% former slaves and 50% rich people who wear masks and want to kill everyone. But at least Varys is back so there can be some solid banter.

Jorah and Daario – I bet these two have some great adventures on the open road.

Drogon – Sleepy kitty!

Dany – Why would she wander so far off? Did she climb down that mountain? What are the Khaleesi legacy rules? This is the first season that hasn’t ended with some epic Dany victory, right? Usually, she’s birthing dragons or freeing slaves or something that gives us hope for the next season. Now she’s circled by a Khalasar. I swear, if this results in her spending the next season riding a horse on the long trail back to Vaes Dothrak.

Cersei  – Remember how quaint Arya’s list was? Assuming Cersei wasn’t broken by that walk through King’s Landing, she may spend next season riding The Super Shredder Mountain like Master Blaster killing everyone in the city one-by-one. Oh, and by the way, Cersei Lannister is now a sympathetic character.

Super Shredder Mountain – The season wasn’t a total waste. What a beautiful moment these two shared.

Davos – Sorry buddy. Can we interest you in taking over Castle Black considering they just killed their Lord Commander? Find out next season!

The Night’s Watch – You guys all suck. Even if you were doing it for The Watch. For The Watch.

Jon Snow – Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Ned Stark. Catelyn Stark. Robb Stark. Jon Snow. Four Starks down, four to go. Hey, at least we get Bran and Rickon back next season! Right guys! Right!?

This especially hurt because Jon Snow became my favorite character this season. Probably because of his usage and Tyrion spending most of the year traveling.

I guess Melisandre could bring him back to life which would undermine the entire dramatic impact of the final scene. Or maybe Jon can become a high-ranking White Walker. Everything is the worst. Is it my fault? Did I do this? Did the books say something different before I proclaimed that Jon Snow was too important to the story? Oh, by the way – who is Jon Snow’s mother? WHO CARES IT DOESN’T MATTER.

Never tweet. Idiot.