Game of Thrones: "High Sparrow" Recap

By Stephen Douglas

Game of Thrones should be 60+ minutes every single week.

Arya Stark – You would think the other girl at the House of Black and White would be more accepting. Presumably, before Arya showed up, she had to sweep in addition to wash the dead bodies. Never be angry with the second custodian. After all, Valar Morbroomis means, “All Men Must Sweep.”

A Reader must laugh at this joke.

I wonder if Neo had to go through similar steps to become The One before Morpheus taught him how to fight? Was there a 20-minute montage in The Matrix left on the cutting room floor that showed Neo cleaning up the dojo from the training scene? Judging by The Wachowskis’ later work, I wouldn’t rule it out.

Margaery & Tommen – “What is the record? I’m sure we could break it.” This kid is a legend.

Bae: Come over.

Tommen: I have a small council meeting.

Bae: We could send the Queen Mother back to Casterly Rock and do it all day.

Tommen: [executes mother]

Dean-Charles Chapman, who plays Tommen, turns 18 in five months. He may be too young to vote or buy cigarettes, but he is a man. Margaery could turn anything into a man. When Margaery said Tommen was half-Lion, half-Stag, I wish he could have flown in and dropped an, “I’m all Lion, baby!”

Cersei & Tommen – That awkward moment when your son wants you to leave town so he can get laid, but you can’t really say anything because he’s the King of the Seven Kingdoms.

Cersei & Margaery – These two ladies must worship the Two-Faced God. In fact, I’m starting to get the feeling they don’t really like each other.

Reek – What are you up to, you dirty, broken, eunuch?

Ramsay Bolton – So, he fell into a house, a job, and a new wife? Is he the most detestable character now that Joffery is gone? Will he suffer a similarly milquetoast end? Do you think they understand that Ramsay is still a bastard? He just got a name change. Same for Jon.

Sansa – Sansa has been different levels of promised to Joffery, Robin, Loras and now Ramsay. She’s like a living, breathing Katherine Heigl movie. Her two-facedness has come a long way.

Ramsay’s Harem – The shade being thrown by those whores was enough to blot out the Sun.

Baelish – If he likes Sansa as much as he acts like he likes Sansa, why would he ever even joke about handing her over to Ramsay? Sure, he might not have heard much about the bastard previously, but the whole flaying people alive talk should probably have hit the Westeros rumor mill by now. Littlefinger is making all these chess moves, but at some point somebody is going to cross him. All Men Must Lose the Game of Thrones. And of course, he says “din-asty.”

Pod – He just keeps failing upwards. I go back and forth on it, but I now think that I want Pod, Bronn and Tyrion to end up together at the end of the series.

Brienne – Unsurprisingly, she had a rough childhood. And now seems like a good time to mention that the Baratheon boys were all quite different.

Stannis Baratheon – The One True King is a complicated man. I wonder what kind of interest he got on his bank loan?

Ser Davos – It’s amazing that he’s still alive. Most people who tell it like it is aren’t long for Westeros.

Jon Snow – Nah. From here on out it is Jon Snow, Lord Commander of Not Fuckin’ Around. What a great scene. Words can’t do it justice. From the shot of Jon finishing his drink to Stannis looming in the background…

Sam – Any chance Sam becomes a Maester? Is that something you need to go to 2 of 4-year school for?

A Girl is No One – Throwing all her stuff away. Cleansing her life of (almost) all material possessions. I have to wonder if the coin shows back up on her pillow in the next episode. I guess this means we’re in for an emotional journal for Arya this season as she tries to let go of the past. Would it be harder or easier if she knew that Sansa, Jon, Brann and Rickon(?) were still alive?

High Sparrow – This is the same actor who plays the President in the GI JOE movies. Poor guy is just trying to run a soup kitchen and they give him a kick-ass nickname like King Turtle?

Cersei Pt. 4 – All other options exhausted, Cersei is now aligning herself with religious extremists. Wonder how they all feel about the Tyrells’ indiscretions?

High Septon – Sinner.

Maester Pycelle – “A man’s private affairs ought to stay private!”

Non-Maester Qyburn – Is he experimenting on The Mountain? Is he building a Bane!? What can kill a dragon? A MOUNTAIN BANE!? If this leads to Littlefinger remarking that Mountain Bane is a big guy, this was all worth it.

Tyrion – My wife remarked that  Tyron was “the jerk on the plane who keeps opening and shutting his window!” Tryion’s stir-craziness finally got the better of him as he went to church and then a brothel where a whore was wearing a Daenerys Halloween costume. Do we know for sure what stopped Tyrion from going with the whore? She kind of sounded like she had the same accent as Shae. Was she wearing a bracelet that Shae’s people wore? After she finished making jokes about airplanes, my wife told me I needed to watch the entire episode again. I did. I think the whore had the same accent as Shae.

Varys – Poor Varys had to play the designated driver. Going from place to place with his drunk friend. And as usual, the drunk wandered away and was kidnapped by someone who wanted to take him to his original destination to meet the same person he was supposed to meet.

Jorah – I think he’s having trouble moving on from Dany.

Season 5, Episode 1: “The House of Black and White” Recap

Season 5, Episode 2: “The Wars to Come” Recap