Free Ideas, Vol. I
By Kyle Koster
The trailblazing Larry King invented Twitter before Twitter. He penned hundreds of genre-bending, norm-busting columns featuring scattered thoughts separated by thee dots. That DNA has always been part of The Big Lead's helix via the morning roundup. But resurrecting the art form has long been a personal passion of mine. For over a decade, I've made public threats about bringing a version of it back. Yet the trepidation of allowing readers to see the truly unfiltered stream of consciousness always won out. No longer.
Some of these thoughts are decent. Others probably stink. That's alright. They are free. You didn't pay for them. Build upon them or don't.
Off we go ...
Here are some Free Ideas ...
... The name Copenhagen suggests an extremely cultured, worldly type of smokeless tobacco, which is an artistic flourish going largely unnoticed before hands travel to lip ...
Escalator repair people must think Mitch Hedberg didn't fully understand their industry ...
Peacock should make a documentary about Peacocks ...
If Wayne Newton and Wayne Knight switched jobs, which would be better suited for their new role ...
Tighter pants would have afforded Aladdin more opportunity to escape but maybe they were an inextricable part of his swag ...
Can you believe that, as a society, we simply moved on from the Ronnie Brown Wildcat era ...
Ace Ventura was probably pretty good at cards ...
The best dressed dojo? Has to be Cobra Tie ...
How did Will Perdue play at Vanderbilt ...
The NFL, like a gentleman's club, is best not visited on Wednesday afternoon ...
The Perfect Storm is a good example of achieving greatness in the wrong field ...
There should be a wildcard Doritos bag featuring all the different flavors ...
The Real Housewives are, ironically, often fake ...
When a soccer player subs themselves out, that's called a red cardio ...
Explosions in the Sky are more relaxing than they sound ...
When Jamie Moyer ate pizza, did he nibble at the corners ...
They don't make them like Frank Sinatra anymore ...
When a basketball player is misfiring from deep, he is wearing 3/20 goggles ...
Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell's Lazy Sunday wasn't all that lazy ...
The band Passion Pit lives inside a passionfruit ...
Imagine if the Snapple Lady had run for president in 2000 ...
Rudy Giuliani sort of morphed into Lloyd Braun over the years ...
Sponges should really be smarter if they are absorbing everything ...
Every day is Casual Friday for the Brawny Paper Towel Man ...
Taylor Swift's slow songs are a blatant contradiction ...
LaVar Ball is rightly a laughingstock, but he may eventually get the last laugh ...
POGS were the Icarus of indoor recess activities ...
Is it just me or are pickup trucks getting comically large ...
Both Robert Moses and the actual Moses were passionate about discovering new routes ...
Defensive specialists in baseball are making glove AND WAR ...
It took Ray Bradbury 450 drafts to find a comfortable temperature ...
If Man Cards were real they'd be designed by Adam Carolla ...
It's called stand-up comedy because it's always there for you in tough times ...
When you help someone move you are reframing their story ...
Always remember that the Tennessee Volunteers literally signed up for this ...
So many cities in Texas make for good boy names but Corpus Christi is not one of them ...
A real-life Nihilist Arby's would struggle getting employees to work and getting them to give an honest effort ...
A pitcher being best friends with a 6-4-3 double play is actually sad ...
Creed from The Office's CV must be a total nightmare ...
As much as we'd love to see it, the nation's mood right now is not conducive for a Big Dogs clothing renaissance ...
A true Renaissance Man would have a life expectancy of 39 ...
Ordering a fleshlight instead of a flashlight is a good example of the importance of buying a vowel ...
When a person uses a snow shovel, they are digging for cold ...