Eating Spaghetti With a Pair of Scissors Is Horrifying

Spaghetti controversy.
Spaghetti controversy. / Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images

Any parent knows that serving children spaghetti is a calculated risk. The best-case scenario is they like it, don't complain, and make an unholy mess both on and around their person. Great food, like great art, takes sacrifice and the sloppy staple usually comes with a prolonged cleanup.

Some eaters fail to progress in the spaghetti-wrangling department with age. They struggle to master the dexterity needed to get the pasta from plate to fork to mouth. This can have catastrophic social ramifications and the amount of new relationships that have been killed because one party made an absolute fool of themselves trying to eat spaghetti is likely staggering.

This causes desperation and desperate measures.

Take a look at this rugged gentleman, who has decided to use a pair of scissors to eat his noodles.

This is what giving up looks like. Yes, this is perhaps the most efficient way to stuff spaghetti into the food hole. It's also more than a little pathetic.

They say necessity is the mother invention and there is no necessity to be found here. Just a calculation that the loss of personal dignity is worth it to get that delicious marinara sauce through the lips without delay.

Predictably, this clip has caused a schism on the internet, with many applauding the perceived genius here. While I'll let him live the way he wishes to, I will not pat him on the back for doing something any person could do but is too -- rightfully -- proud to do on camera.

Perhaps part of my calculation comes from an unhealthy reverence for treating scissors correctly. My wife, God bless here, has many pairs and whenever I have to employ use of one, I am invariably chastised for using either the wrong pair or not returning them to its proper resting spot.

Using scissors to cut food, especially messy food, would surely bring about the nuclear option which would entail, well, I don't even want to think about it. But the point stands. This man's scissors are all gross when he's done. And you're not supposed to get the blades wet.

A classic pickle right there. A brainbuster.

Spaghetti scissors man just doesn't cut it. He is not a visionary or role model. Just a terribly mistake man with a dubious method that need not be replicated. The whole thing is just hard to swallow.