Colombiana Review

But no. I went and sat through this ridiculous and predictable film so now I have to talk about Zoe Saldana and her tight outfits and big guns. Saldana plays Cataleya, a Colombian girl who sits at the dinning room table while her parents are murdered by a drug dealer (I think that’s what he does. It’s not really clear. He’s basically a Colombian with money. They’re all drug dealers right?)

So Cataleya escapes with some impressive parkour through the streets of Colombia to the US Embassy to turn in a microchip she swallowed and I don’t even want to finish this sentence. Good lord, this movie was fucking dumb.

I can tell you that Zoe Saldana wears very tight clothing and seldom wears a bra in this film. She gets to utter the one “fuck” in the script and we also see her breast while she showers. I know this sounds pervy, but it pales in comparison to a film that has Zoe Saldana dance around her apartment with a gun in the back of her jorts for no reason. I’m guessing the ratings board gave this movie a PG-13 just so they wouldn’t have to sit through another cut of the movie.

My personal favorite character is Richard, the boyfriend type. Played convincingly by Callum Blue, this poor guy just wants to get to know Cataleya, but all she wants to do is come over unannounced, get naked and leave before breakfast. Can a fella get some romance? Maybe go out to a nice restaurant, drink some win and drop some money? You know how guys are always saying, “I wish this relationship cost me more money.” Guilt-free sex with a beautiful 100-pound Colombian chick is the worst. If Cataleya likes it so much then maybe she better consider putting a ring on it.

So the authorities figure out who the hitwoman is through some really incredible luck and they go after Cataleya and she outruns them and tracks down the man who killed her family and they have a big showdown and blah blah blah it ends with a ridiculous twist that had people yelling “DAMN!” So yeah, it was really stupid.

Yes, people were yelling throughout the entire film. They were laughing and cornholing and having a good old time.  I’ve seen lots of movies in Albany over the last 10 years, but this was the first time people were yelling “DAMN!” The hooting and hollering was amusing to say the least. At the end of the film, people applauded. They weren’t being sarcastic. Maybe the free t-shirts softened the crowd. I’m not sure. I am sure that this movie sucked though.

Spoiler alert: She didn’t forget where she came from.