Our Network Election Anchors Are Getting Such a Sick Pump In Right Now

Kyle Koster
Kevin Mazur/Getty Images
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Today, tonight, and tomorrow will be a marathon in themselves. How far that marathon extends and if it becomes one of those ultra deals where people's veins get all protruding and shouldn't be undertaken unless a victory over the Persians has narrowly been eked out and it can't wait remains to be seen. Point is, stamina is an issue both for news consumers and news disseminators alike.

CNN's Oliver Darcy, writing for the Reliable Sources newsletter, investigated how the various anchors tasked with leading their viewers through this historic process. A common aerobic or perhaps anaerobic or ideally both emerged. It seems paramount to get ones heart rate to 150 before the quest for 270 begins.

Wolf Blitzer: "I'll spend an hour on the treadmill, have a very healthy breakfast, and there's a few lightbulbs I need to change around the house. And yes, I will trim my beard..."

George Stephanopoulos:  "Workout. Lunch. Nap. Pick up triple shot on ice and three Perfect Bars from Starbucks. Head to work with an extra shirt and tie..."

Norah O'Donnell: “I’m going to wake up, get in some exercise, eat a healthy breakfast and then take a minute to read everything, relax, and go over my notes. I’ll be preparing all day long, checking in on what’s going on across the country. I always try and touch base with the campaign managers or top political advisors before we go on the air so I can report what I’m hearing from the top of the campaigns and then we’re off to the races!”

Extremely niche idea only made possible by solving this pandemic: a talent-only gym in every media hub. We absolutely need Steve Kornacki and Steve Doocy sharing tricep pulldown tips by the water cooler and Martha Raddatz striving to outdo Savannah Guthrie in a cycling class described in great detail by the tabloids.

These three fitness buffs were half the subjects interviewed, just to give a complete and accurate picture. Rachel Maddow spoke at length about sandwiches past, present, and future, Chuck Todd admitted to listening to the Les Mis soundtrack, and Andrea Mitchell was all-business.

But if you think that evidence is going to do anything to dissuade my lizard brain from believing each and every person I see tonight on televisions isn't in the afterglow of a brutal leg and shoulders day, you can think again. Going to be looking for signs of Muscle Milk near Jake Tapper. Or Chris Hayes rolling up his sleeves to see how vascular those preacher curls have made his arms. Or John King seamlessly working in an oblique crunch as he extrapolates what the Luzerne County numbers mean for the nation as a whole.

Literally stay hydrated, everyone.

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