Bill Simmons on the Eagles: Hung Like Milton Berle, Only Need to Pull Out 5-6 Inches to Win

Buffalo Bills v Philadelphia Eagles
Buffalo Bills v Philadelphia Eagles / Mitchell Leff/GettyImages

Sunday night of the extended Thanksgiving break tends to get a bit weird and depressing as people take stock of all the calories and junk food they've subjected their bodies to over the past four days. An overtime thriller between the Buffalo Bulls and Philadelphia Eagles was just what the doctor ordered as it may have been the best game of the 110 or so televised over the long weekend. Those are some seriously tough Birds and they currently seem impossible to kill, like Jason Bourne (the version played by Matt Damon not Jeremy Renner). Or, if you'd prefer a different blend of sports and pop culture, you go to the often-imitated, never-replicated title belt holder for a more colorful picture.

Here's Bill Simmons, fighting through COVID on a Monday episode, on those Eagles.

"They might have a 14-inch cock, it might be 15 inches, I don't know," he said. "But we've only seen five inches of it – sorry to be crude, listeners – they've only had to pull out five or six inches of it during the season but I think it's Milton Berle-sized and yet we may never see it."

Milton Berle was an actor and comedian who was born in 1908 and entered show business in 1913. He died 21 years ago but not before leaving behind a proud legacy as the guy universally renowned for being extraordinarily well-endowed. Every kid growing up caught some sort of Johnny Carson greatest hits rerun and some uncle six Stroh's deep would make a remark about the funnyman's legendary member. We used to be a proper country. Now Berle awareness is at an all-time low, according to Gallup polls.

So credit to Simmons for bringing it back. There are going to be so many people who see the title of today's pod and wonder why the Eagles are like whomever this Milton Berle fella is or was. They will then be delighted to discover there was a comic who largely worked clean whose rumored package was far more famous than any of his work. Those who dig deeper will understand the beauty of Simmons' colorful illustration.

An often recounted (and possibly apocryphal) story was that when he was once challenged to a duel with another man to prove who had the larger one, a friend said, "We're in a hurry, Milton, just take out enough to win." A great line then and a great line now.

That is what the Eagles have been doing. They are 10-1 and can essentially wrap up homefield advantage throughout the NFC playoffs by beating San Francisco while not playing as well as they are capable of playing. It's downright scary. Plus they have the attitude of someone walking around with a 14- of 15-inch member. No one denies this but few are brave enough to say it aloud.