Yet another most dramatic season of The Bachelorette debuted last night and this time — get this — there's a twist. For the first time in series history, there are two Bachelorettes for the dozens of contestants. Gabby and Rachel, who are thick as thieves after dealing with Clayton's brand of nonsense last year, spent the first 15 minutes or so talking about how excited they were to be on this journey together and how great it will be to have each other for support. By the end of the episode, though, the season preview made it quite clear that their bond will be tested and broken because, unlike in previous iterations, there's another option on the table.
But that's for another blog when the time comes. We're here to talk about one specific thing from Night One, where the show eats up an hour by showing 30 dudes getting out of a limo and trying to make a first impression with an excruciating painful line or a gimmick. Now, I am of the belief that you cannot win the competition with whatever conceit you bring to the table, but you can absolutely lose it.
For context, one dude rapped, one rode in on a horse shirtless, another drove a forklift, and still another lugged in a six-foot meatball sub. Stupid stuff all-around yet it's important to understand one crucial note here. In Bachelor world you must commit to the bit and carry out your gimmick through the entire night. Which has ruined contestants in the back. Suddenly they are 10 hours in to a long night in a stupid costume or with peacocking that's going to draw the ire of the simpletons in the house who are getting increasingly drunk and frustrated with their lack of agency in this particular petri dish.
So while that was absolutely not a problem for the Enormous Meatball Sub guy as he provided some much-needed protein to the other Bro Dudes, the experience became hell for our man Logan Palmer. A videographer from California, he showed up with two baby chicks because he said he had to get used to hanging out with two chicks.
Not bad as dad jokes go. And even though he made both girls hold the birds and they clearly didn't love it, he made it through the night unscathed and you can pencil him into the quarterfinals. So he didn't blow it.
What he did do, though, is make a Gob Bluth-sized mistake and realize it right away. Because watching him hold two birds, realizing he couldn't drink, clench his fists too tightly, or really do anything was abjectly hilarious. Logan was looking around realizing he could have just brought Subway. Or said hi like a normal person. Or carried literally anything other than two delicate living things with paper-thin skin requiring constant attention.
Imagine your dumbest friend showing up to the bar holding two baby birds. He's going to have an awful time and the birds won't make it through the night. Logan was going through it. It's not an overstatement to say this was the biggest prop-related mistake in Bachelorette history. My man just sat there holding the punchline to a C- joke for hours.
At some point Logan snapped out of it and got a producer to take the chicks so they didn't die and made a decent impression on both Gabby and Rachel. Yet we will always have those magical moments when it looked like he'd ruined his chances because he brought fowl into the equation, then panicked and froze.
Purely empty television calories. As God intended.