9 Enduring Lessons From The 2016 NFL Draft
By Ty Duffy
Laremy Tunsil was the victim of a malicious social media hacking. He lost millions. The NFL media circle jerk was ill-equipped to handle it.
Nearly everyone blamed the victim. Jon Gruden urged the natural, blanket solution: stay off the social media, kids. In that spirit, here are some equally valid conclusions for prospective draftees we can draw from the 2016 NFL Draft.
Don’t Go To the Draft: Fly suits and shiny, spiked loafers are must have items when you are about to become a multi-millionaire. Wear them to your own party with friends, family, and hundreds of prospective hangers on. The only way your draft presence is noteworthy is if you (a) fall precipitously (b) have a horrific situation that forces you to react in real time on camera or (c) can’t mask your displeasure after getting drafted by the Cleveland Browns. Stay home. You can (and should) vigorously bear hug Roger Goodell every time you see him moving forward.
Don’t Get Injured: Get kicked out of school? No one cares. Violence against women or an unsubstantiated sexual assault allegation probably won’t affect your draft stock, unless it’s ongoing. Questionable medical report about your recovery from knee surgery? It will cost you millions.
Don’t Let Mom Get Remarried: Mom has your back. That dude that’s now in her life is a wildcard. He may look like Jim Tomsula. He may be getting in fights, suing you for “inflicting emotional distress,” and getting you labeled with the dreaded “off-the-field” issues. At the very least, stepdad is a natural rival for her attention. Best to minimize risk and to shut down that situation before it starts.
Don’t Run a Slow 40-Yard Dash: When will you run 40 yards in a straight line in the NFL without wearing pads? Never. When will your body be optimized to do this again? Never. But, the 40-yard-dash is the easiest combine drill to grapple with. Screwing up there will throw three to four years of dominant college play into doubt.
Don’t Use Elaborate Drug Paraphernalia: Your marijuana usage may end up on video. You want this to look like a casual thing vs. a lifestyle choice. You don’t want anything foot-long, elaborate and psychedelic. You don’t want a dehumanizing gas mask that will have folks likening it to Hannibal Lecter’s mask, when it looks nothing like Hannibal Lecter’s mask. This is the National Football League. Your best bet is to limit your drug consumption to creams, sprays, and off-label pill usage.
Don’t Answer Any Question Honestly Ever: No one cares if you lie to the public. What front offices, agents, and their media shills will hammer you for giving a genuine response the media can work with. You don’t want to blow whistles. Leaking internal team information is an indictment of you. Save the truth for when you are yucking it up on sports talk radio to stay relevant in your 40s (if radio still exists).
Don’t Interact With Anyone Who Owns a Smart Phone: Cameras take pictures and record video of candid moments. Those candid moments may be incriminating. You’re cool, but you’re not yet cool enough to pull the Derek Jeter move and make everyone leave their phones at the door before things get wild. Limiting your off-the-field interactions to rural hermits, a large percentage of grandparents, and Andrew Luck will keep you out of trouble.
Don’t Sleep: Being a player in the National Football League is about exerting control over your life. When you sleep, you let your guard down. You leave yourself vulnerable. Nothing good happens after midnight, according to the old saying. You want to be wide-eyed and prepared for it.
Don’t Be An Alleged Jerk: Known personality flaws may ding you. But, the cost-benefit analysis generally works out for gifted jerks. Hypothetical, unmentioned flaws that either (a) don’t exist or (b) are so grave as to be unmentionable are what will send you plummeting to the fourth round.