The 2020 NFL Draft is taking place in Las Vegas this year to help kick off the NFL's presence in the Sin City. Everyone figured it was going to be quite a spectacle, but new details emerged on Tuesday that probably blow even the most outlandish of expectations out of the water. Somehow literally.
Apparently, the draft stage will be in the Bellagio Fountains, and prospects will be transported to the stage via boat. Seriously. Refer to this helpful visualization from Arash Markazi if you, like me, are baffled:
Just a whole lot to unpack here.
First things first, are they really going to transport each draft pick individually to the stage when their name is called? Will every pick of the first round come along with a dramatic, cinematic view of the prospect boarding the boat and slowly chugging along to the stage, accompanied with what I can only assume would be a Celine Dion soundtrack? That answer appears to be yes.
The first round of the draft already takes a solid few hours. The boat has to be quick in order to not have this drag on for six hours, but how quickly can a fountain boat be without some splash damage?
Furthermore, will the fountain be spewing water for the entirety of the draft? If it's windy, will they give each prospect a poncho as they board the boat to protect the presumably very expensive suits they usually don -- sort of like everyone who takes a boat to see Niagara Falls? I can't imagine any of these future millionaires envisioned their draft picture getting taken while they have a clear jacket on over their clothing. There also seems to be a major slipping risk here that the NFL will have to deal with, perhaps with towel boys frantically wiping down the boat between picks like a NASCAR pit stop.
Who is going to be the captain of this boat? Who would the NFL, a multi-billion dollar industry with absolutely no history of poor decisions, trust to get young men that 32 franchises are handing millions of dollars to from Point A to Point B? I certainly wouldn't be able to handle that pressure.
Last, but certainly not least, how many puns are we as an audience going to be able to handle before ratings are affected? How many jokes about the Dolphins looking like fish out of water can we cope with? Will Mel Kiper Jr. be able to restrain himself from comparing Joe Burrow to Danny Ocean? Can I put money on how many of these prospects will be referred to as franchise anchors? I'd like to put down all of it on the over, in that case.
And we call the NFL the No Fun League!