Yardwork: Indians Walkoff on Hafner's Grand Slam, Red Sox Go Deep Six Times
By Tim Ryan
Boston 10, O’s 4 — The Red Sox hit six home runs but all anyone can talk about are boobs, breasts and boobies. And hey, the O’s lost again!
Cubs 10, Nats 9 — The Cubs got six runs in the sixth, two in the seventh, one in the eighth and one in the ninth, but Steve Rosenbloom still thinks these guys are a bunch of inconsiderate, unprofessional, child adopting assholes.
Dodgers 6, Mets 0 — The Mets have the worst luck. Jose Reyes has been placed on the DL and the Mets fan base has been placed on life support. I’m at the point where making fun of the Mets is no longer enjoyable. They were starting to become a watchable team but once again, Lucy pulled the god damn football away at the very last second. It’s just cruel.
D-Backs 4, Cards 1 — Ever since being snubbed, Justin Upton has made sure to remind us that home run balls tend to fly off of his bat on a semi-regular basis.
Braves 6, Rockies 3 — Jason Heyward went 3-for-4 with a double, a homer and 2 RBI. It’s about time.
Twins 6, White Sox 2 — Minnesota has won seven of 10 but every time I mention how the rest of the AL Central should commence getting nervous, they go on losing streak, so I will keep my mouth shut even though I basically just jinxed them anyway.
Rays 5, Yankees 1 — It was base hit No. 2,998 for numbah two.. Derek Jeetah.. numbah two. Think of it this way. In all likelihood Derek Sanderson will reach the milestone over the weekend while you are doing other crap, like mowing your chest hair or sitting by the pool, so it will be easier to avoid if that’s what you need.
Angels 5, Mariners 1 — Fister had the misfortune of pitching on the same night as Jered Weaver, which means he was fisted before he even had an opportunity to fist himself. Weaver naturally threw a complete game. He really is having a wonderful season. Every one of his starts has been filled with quality. See for yourself.
Smoke on that one, Prince Fielder: