Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest to Be Shown on Tape-Delay Because ESPN Hates America

The annual Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest takes place at noon on the 4th of July. That is the way that God intended it when he descended from Mount Olympus and said, “Hey, Joey Chestnut, you are America. Eat up.” For some reason, ESPN will not be broadcasting the Hot Dog Eating Contest live as they have traditionally – and rightfully – done in the past.

Instead, ESPN and ESPN2 will show an international tennis tournament while you will have to go online in order to watch the Hot Dog Eating Contest live on ESPN3.com. The contest will be shown on on television on tape-delay at 3pm? Why? Because of something called “Wimbledon.” You know where that takes place? England. Anyone here remember what we’re celebrating on Independence Day? Anyone? I believe we’re celebrating our independence from ENGLAND. Does anyone else here have an issue with the greatest American sporting tradition being preempted on the holiday that celebrates our independence from England in favor of a tennis tournament in England?

The Wimbledon tournament was founded a year after America’s centennial and is known for its royal patronage. The Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest was created in the 20th century in America, by Americans. I for one will be boycotting ESPN tomorrow in favor of finding an illegal stream of the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Like my forefathers, I’m going to take what is rightfully mine. After that, I’m organizing as many readers as I can to go to Bristol, Connecticut where we will dress like SportsCenter anchors, infiltrate ESPN headquarters and dispose of all their tea. This aggression will not stand. U-S-A! U-S-A!

Update: You can watch live on ESPN3.com, which may not have been made clear in the original draft. That’s a technicality. This is an American event that deserves the reverence of live television.

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25 Responses to “Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest to Be Shown on Tape-Delay Because ESPN Hates America”

VladimirCrouton Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 11:38 AM

Nathan’s hot dogs are actually pretty damn good.

squawkbox Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 11:45 AM

Nathan’s hot dogs are actually pretty damn good.

Agreed.

Hebrew National are pretty awesome as well
/said the gentile

squawkbox Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 11:46 AM

I didn’t realize Joey Chestnut went to Penn State?

CraftyLefty Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 11:47 AM

Your hilarious snarkiness loses something when that Sprite auto-play ad pops up on top of the text.

karma Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 11:49 AM

Hot dog posts over NBA posts? Everyone wants to read more about where Omar Asik is headed, c’mon!

VladimirCrouton Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 11:51 AM

Hebrew National are pretty awesome as well

HN and Nathan’s are the two brands I buy most often. Usually on sale too. The Heebs screw you over with only 7 dogs per package.

/insert jokes

molemaninthemorning Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 11:51 AM

I heard this was Andy Griffith’s idea.

kaiserwilhelmreems Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 11:54 AM

I didn’t realize Joey Chestnut went to Penn State?

how else do you think he learned to shove hot dogs into his mouth like that?

PL StabbinKabin Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:01 PM

I still can’t believe the force themselves to throw up all those dogs afterwards. That is vile.

KC Resident Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:03 PM

Charlie Day is a damn national treasure. CRM would even be sad if Charlie died.

Walking Underwear Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:08 PM

sometimes a man has to die before you know everything

jdeeser5 Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:08 PM

Anyone have a Mucke’s hot dog in CT? They are the best made ones and can’t be found in many states.

squawkbox Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:12 PM

The caption “Winning a pervious contest” was the final Penn State clue for me.

sousedbergin Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:12 PM

Charlie on the job market.

The Wayne Fontes Safari Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:16 PM

HN and Nathan’s are the two brands I buy most often.

No Koegel?

Nada Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:22 PM

Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest

I hear Anderson Cooper will compete this year.

Nada Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:24 PM

that Sprite auto-play ad

That fucking pop-up will soon inspire me to murder.

scripty Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:50 PM

All these competitve eaters can go and die.

scripty Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:54 PM

Who the fuck is this Nada shithead? I’ve read like 5 posts today and in every one of them this moron is taking lame, pathetic shots at my expense for no comprehensible reason.

If someone wants to make a joke at my expense, have at it. Do it in a funny way and we’ll all have a good laugh. But saying something stupid because you’re too fucking dumb to have anything interesting to say is not acceptable.

I dont know who you are, or what the fuck your problem is, but if I see my name come out of your stupid mouth once more, you will be done here.

/Anderson Cooper’d

GloriousMullet Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 12:57 PM

Who the fuck is this Nada shithead? I’ve read like 5 posts today and in every one of them this moron is taking lame, pathetic shots at my expense for no comprehensible reason.
If someone wants to make a joke at my expense, have at it. Do it in a funny way and we’ll all have a good laugh. But saying something stupid because you’re too fucking dumb to have anything interesting to say is not acceptable.
I dont know who you are, or what the fuck your problem is, but if I see my name come out of your stupid mouth once more, you will be done here.
/Anderson Cooper’d

I know what you just did, but I’m confused by your tactics….

Nada Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 1:02 PM

/Anderson Cooper’d

Shouldn’t that be Anderson Coop’d?

Nada Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 1:03 PM

I dont know who you are, or what the fuck your problem is, but if I see my name come out of your stupid mouth once more, you will be done here.

And this, at some point, should say “I will END you.”

scripty Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 1:04 PM

Shouldn’t that be Anderson Coop’d?

It was a tough call. More than I’d ever admit too. I knew somebody would make it full circle.

jasontennis Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 2:31 PM

tennis is my life and wimbledon is awesome. but they should take a break in coverage to show grown men slurping down hot dogs for 30 mins because that what america is all about. total and utter gluttony, because we can.

JDiddy3000 Says:
July 3rd, 2012 at 2:58 PM