Jameis Winston Ordered 3 Pounds of Steamed Crab, Stopped by the Dairy Case for a Stick of Butter, and Walked Right Past Security, According to Police Report

According to the general offense/incident report from Leon County Sheriff’s Office, Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston treated himself to three pounds of steamed crab, one pound of steamed crawfish and, naturally, a stick of butter in one of the most intriguing shoplifting incidents in recent memory.

The young man was without a doubt on a quest to properly satisfy a lofty appetite, or something along those lines. To complete the valiant mission, Winston apparently slipped right behind security and exited the store.

From one of the many pages of the police report:

“Mr. Winston then turns away from the seafood counter and starts to walk towards the produce section. Mr. Winston then makes a left turn in the produce section and then another left walking towards the dairy section. Mr. Winston then continues down the dairy section, also known as the back speedway of the store. At the end of the dairy section Mr Winston is observed picking up a stick of butter, valued at $3.69.”

I don’t know where to begin — this whole thing reads like an indecisive magic loogie — but it sure as hell seems like the produce section walks away as the obvious winner here. Heady cantaloupe backs down to no one, and I mean no one.

Full police report can be found here: