Bowl season is here! Student-athletes can’t profit from their extra-curricular activities, unless they are being toasted by old, gaudy-blazered white guys. Sports Business Daily published this year’s bowl gifts. Here are some of the highlights and lowlights.
BWW Citrus Bowl: $447 Best Buy Gift Card and a wing eating competition.
Russell Athletic Bowl: $447 Best Buy Gift Card, no wings.
Holiday Bowl: $445 Best Buy Gift Card
Poinsettia Bowl: $395 Best Buy Gift Card, because your bowl game isn’t quite as good. Bonus: it’s before Christmas so you may be guilted into buying presents.
Military Bowl: Xbox One. Not as great as the autonomy to choose to buy an Xbox One, but we’ll allow it.
Camellia Bowl: A souvenir pylon, which you can break out when every single family member, friend, acquaintance and social media contact asks you what a camellia is.
Quick Lane Bowl: A custom-made player likeness fathead. Adorn the wall of your Detroit hotel room as you figure out what to spend your Best Buy Gift Card that’s not enough to buy an Xbox One or top-tier headphones. Sadly, no “get out of us trying to tack on a bunch of extraneous shit while we change your oil” free card.
Outback Bowl: A $150 Best Buy Gift Card, to pick up a couple games for the Xbox you hopefully got last year. An Outback Steakhouse gift card. Become part of the tableau as some New York blogging sophisticate tackles the Bloomin Onion. Toss in a class ring you can never wear to commemorate the bowl game for good measure.
Texas Bowl: Adidas Team Speed Duffel bag, to carry home all the things from the Best Buy shopping spree you’re not going on.
Sun Bowl: Helen of Troy hairdryer. Every year. Why?