5 Complaints About the Game of Thrones Premiere

Some people waited 595 days for a new episode of Game of Thrones. It’s deeply depressing to realize nothing could have fully satisfied that itch. But last night’s season premiere was especially flat. To be fair, the dead kid with all the limbs around him was primo content. The rest, well, and I hate to say this … meh.

My colleague Bobby Burack, who just loves this show, gave the episode an A-. They say evil thrives when good people sit silently, so with that in mind, here are five complaints I have about the episode, which was more of a C or C-, even by kind grading standards.

Bran certainly taking his sweet time getting that information to Jon Snow

There’s no way around this. Your precious three-eyed raven is one of the worst prestige television characters to ever be written into a script. No one has done less with his godlike powers than my man here. Bran, who never shows any hustle whatsoever, didn’t think it prudent to reveal Jon Snow’s origin story himself, or in as timely a manner as possible? Meanwhile, the one-time king of the north is literally having sex with his aunt. Maybe the all-knowing Bran could show a scrap of urgency when the situation dictates.

How much dragon-flying did we really need?

The dragons rule. But we knew that seasons ago. We did not need a Harry Potter-like Qudditch sequence of Jon flying around the polar ice caps. Was there a budget minimum that had to be met? Inexplicable.

Jamie Lannister’s big plan was what?

Oh, so you’re going to defy your sister to go behind enemy lines in an attempt to do the right thing? Admirable. Arguably stupid too. Like, there’s a chance they haven’t forgotten and forgiven that whole king-slaying thing. Also, the kid you threw out the window? Still very much in play. Though, considering how unbearable he’s become, that choice has been vindicated. Jamie is actual royalty and he couldn’t afford an actual disguise? Was he planning on wearing a damn hood the whole time?

The Northerners’ partisan politics are sickening

Jon Snow has saved so many lives and he’s trying to save more. And what he gets as a reward from his people is a bunch of in-fighting and questions about political intrigue. Yeah, you guys made him king, but circumstances have changed. The Great War is coming and these clowns are more worried about who is going to get the nomination and superdelegates. They are truly the Democratic party of the seven kingdoms.

And the portions are so small!

Fifty-four minute run time after nearly two years of nothing? Absolute joke. How, in good conscience, could they do that to the fans? Yes, things are going to get better with some 80-minute episodes on the horizon, but the first foray was so unsatisfying. Like 10 percent of this week’s show was devoted to dragons flying around and discussion over dragon diet.

I’m sorry. We deserve better.