It is a glorious day! Football season is back! Remember when they had the game on Wednesday night!? Why Wednesday? Who knows! All that matters is that these sentences are ending with exclamation marks which means we are all very excited for the return of football season!

Last season was a long time ago, so we should probably catch up on everything that happened.

Off Season
Rob Gronkowski got hella drunk and did meathead-y things. The refs went somewhere.

Pro Bowl
That is still a thing right? I bet it beat some other thing in the ratings and everybody was all, like, “Awwww yeah! Football is king, bitch!”

Super Bowl
Tom Brady yelled at Gisele and then Maria Menounos wore a bikini. I had pizza and beer during the game. That’s about it.

Playoffs
There were some upsets and … The Packers won? Did the Packers win? I bet Joe Flacco did something silly. That Flacco.

Regular Season
Cam Newton! Tim Tebow! It was the year of the quarterback!

Awards
Tebow was the comeback player of the year. Calvin Johnson was very valuable to many fantasy teams. Dennis Green was the coach of the year?

Records
Last Season: Lisk (not bad), Douglas (don’t want to talk about it)

Onto the games!

1PM

Indianapolis (+10) @ Chicago
Stephen: This is the perfect opportunity for the Bears to temper everyone’s expectations! (Colts)

Jason: Big underdogs are usually a good idea, and that’s true on opening day, as teams getting more than a touchdown are 12-7 ATS in the last decade in week 1. Of course, last year the Colts got drilled as a 10 point dog in Houston. This is a different team, though. (Colts +10)

Philadelphia (-9) @ Cleveland
Stephen: The saddest movie and the saddest city battle it out for something exciting I’m sure. (Browns)

Jason: Only two home teams have been an underdog of more than a touchdown on opening day since 2002, and they both covered. Cleveland has a new owner, and Art Modell has passed away. Gonna guess there won’t be a commemorative sticker on the helmet. (Browns +9)

Buffalo (+3) @ New York Jets
Stephen: Go death and destruction! (Bills)

Jason: Will we have enough plays by Tebow to meet the five saddest faces quota for this week? We can only hope. (Bills +3)

Washington (+7.5) @ New Orleans
Stephen: Wonder why no one talks about the fact that Drew Brees is actually the guy who tried to kill the head of the snake. (Saints)

Jason: The Gregg Williams Bowl! I’ll take the team that isn’t being coached by the water boy. (Redskins +7.5)

New England (-6) @ Tennessee
Stephen: So, have I told you about my fantasy team yet!? (Patriots)

Jason: Remember that game when it snowed in October and the Patriots won by 59? That was awesome. (Patriots -6)

Jacksonville (+4) @ Minnesota
Stephen: This is the marquee match-up of the week. I hope Jacksonville’s crazy oil baron owner makes the trip to Minnesota. That ought to blow his mind. (Vikings)

Jason: Maurice Jones-Drew and Adrian Peterson will torture their fantasy owners by getting a combined 8 touches but scoring 3 times. (Vikings)

Miami (+12) @ Houston
Stephen: I’m really excited for this episode of Hard Knocks. (Texans)

Jason: I really like the David Garrard to Chad Johnson combination here. (Dolphins +12)

St. Louis (+7.5) @ Detroit
Stephen: Kid Rock should inspire the Lions to victory. (Lions)

Jason: Jeff Fisher’s mustache is worth 2 points in this one. (Rams +7.5)

Atlanta (-3) @ Kansas City
Stephen: Now seems like an excellent opportunity to mention Gangnam Style. (Chiefs)

Jason: Tony Gonzalez returns to Kansas City, where he will play in front of a bunch of people sporting mullets and wearing his jersey from seven years ago. (Falcons -3)

4:25pm

San Francisco (+5) @ Green Bay
Stephen: Classic match-up and the only game of the day featuring two good teams. (Packers)

Jason: Aaron Rodgers is still pissed that the 49ers took Alex Smith first overall. (Packers -5)

Carolina (-3) @ Tampa Bay
Stephen: Will Cam Newton have a sophomore slump? A return of beast-mode Cam Newton would be fun for everyone. (Panthers)

Jason: I think this one will come down to whichever kicker wants it more. (Panthers -3)

Seattle (-3) @ Arizona
Stephen: Woof. I am excited to see if Russell Wilson can be good against a real NFL defense. In a week or two we might find out. (Seahawks)

Jason: Do I believe in Russell Wilson? Yes, at least more than I believe in John Skelton (Seahawks -3)

8:25pm

Pittsburgh (+2) @ Denver
Stephen: Peyton Manning has people excited about the Broncos. Why? Because TV commercials are fun! (Steelers)

Jason: Steelers are getting points at Denver? I had to double check that. (Steelers +2)

Monday Night Football

Cincinnati (+6) @ Baltimore (7pm)
Stephen: A battle for AFC North supremacy! (Ravens)
Jason: The Bengals are the red headed step child of the AFC North (Bengals +6)

San Diego (+1) @ Oakland (10:15pm)
Stephen: (Raiders)

Jason: Terrelle Pryor replaces Carson Palmer in the second quarter. Bold prediction. (Chargers +1)